steepwithdead | Folkmore

That happens sometimes. [Practice, mostly, but also decent guesswork.

They're not here for his words, though.] Helplessness is a natural side effect. What else have you been feeling?

Uh... [She winces a little. Not because she thinks she's not justified, but it feels different talking to like an adult mostly-stranger who already feels worlds more mature than anyone else she speaks to.]

Lotta anger. Both at the stupidity and the... uh, the helplessness, I guess.

The stupidity?

[They can circle back, but that part sticks out the most right now.]

[She makes a small noise, part frustration and where to start.]

There's no point throwin' your life away in an attempt to save everyone else, not when there's like... dozens of other choices. Everyone else sure doesn't want that. And after the fact they're all like 'oh, ha, whoops' and unrepentant and you know they'd do it again if they thought they had to.

Mm... the persistence of it does make it that much worse. It's one thing to make a choice, suffer the consequences, and regret it. But if one makes the same choice over and over, or those around you know you'd do it again, well. That can be infuriating.

[Yes, her anger is very understandable.]

Sacrifice like that... it's not without merit, not entirely. I cannot lie to you and say there is no situation where it's either warranted or the only option. But many become trapped by it: when the thought comes to mind, and you can see a path towards some kind of victory, it's hard to backtrack and look for another way. You think: I have a solution. It has a high chance of success. It would be selfish to keep looking. The trap is a room with a door and you've locked yourself in.

I get it. I do get that. [There's been a lot of trying to make herself less upset about Leo's sacrifice play back home, because honestly they probably didn't have any other real choice--but it still stings, and everyone plays the what if game. But for that to go on to be the foundation that everyone else is apparently running with...]

In Leo's case, I was also proud...? But really kind of-- it's still heart breaking it came to that. And I'm okay with that. I made my peace. [She's going on faith that Casey has probably talked about Leo at length, to be honest, but she does track Cad's face for signs of confusion. She can explain further if she has to, she just doesn't really want to.]

Raph's death was an accident, but he decided to sit on that knowledge and not tell anyone, for all the good that did him. And Donnie...

[...]

...you heard about the kidnappings and stuff, right?

[Caduceus doesn't show any indication of surprise or disturbance at her words; safe to say the topic of Leo, or his sacrifice, or both, has come up before. April can consider herself spared from trying to explain unless she wants to discuss her own feelings on the matter.

As for Donnie...]

Mm... yes, I'm aware. Casey missed one of our meetings, and when he came back he had quite a lot to say. [He sips at his tea, then adds meaningfully,] He gave me permission to discuss whatever I felt was relevant, with you.

[It's very obvious that April has a lot of trust; it's also important for April herself to know that he doesn't go around spilling the tea (hah) about these meetings without express permission first.]

I'm not privy to the manner of his passing. [Casey didn't know that part.] But it sounds as if he felt pushed into a singular solution of his own, and wasn't able to budge from it or seek help.

[Oh, Casey said that, huh? ~~How convenient~~ It's useful to hear, though she doesn't want to cross the therapy streams if she can help it, so she just crooks a small smile of appreciation before she lets it fall.]

You know what's fun? I don't know how he died either. He just said he messed up. I'm guessin' from what Raph said it was some kinda backlash from his... portal or whatever, but I don't know. I just woke up and he was dead. [She pauses to bite into one of those honey biscuits with perhaps more gusto than necessary, but.]

...you're right, though. But that's kind of a pattern lately. Everyone with their own singular solutions.

[Another thoughtful hum. Sometimes not knowing is a blessing. Sometimes it makes things more difficult to get over. It's a conundrum.]

In your opinion, how has he been since it happened? Do you think he may be more willing to work together and communicate with you and your family, or is this behaviour likely to continue? It's alright if you don't know.

[Someone showing the capacity to learn from their mistakes can go a long way to alleviating the fear and anger of bad behaviour. Of course, it requires action, not just empty words, but it's a start.]

[She gives it some due thought while she finishes her biscuit, though she's more or less certain of her answer already--just running it through her own mind first. And not speaking with her mouth full, it's polite.]

He says he's sorry. And he is, but it's about the wrong thing. Not goin' behind our backs to put himself at risk. Not kidnapping people. He's sorry that it failed and he couldn't get us home.

So in my opinion, he feels humbled and like he messed up-- again, on the wrong thing-- and will play nice for a long while now, but it's because he knows we're upset and because he feels bad that he failed. So... I dunno. I hope dyin' was enough of a shock, but I can see him doin' something equally boneheaded again eventually.

I'm sure he must feel guilty about that self-perceived failure. It's easy to justify doing the wrong thing for the right reasons. But if the "right reason" falls through, you're only left with that "wrong thing" you did, seemingly for no reason.

[No one can really determine what's right or wrong for you; if he doesn't think it was wrong, that can't be forced on him. But if in the end nothing happened except his death and a whole lot of anger and hurt...]

It's a simple reality that none of us can make someone do or not do something, or be less boneheaded. I'm sure you already know that. [She seems to have a good head on her shoulders.] If him doing something foolish is inevitable, then that's the reality we'll all have to deal with. But has he taken to heart the lesson of not doing it alone again?

[...and that is the million dollar question. She's quiet a long moment.]

I don't know. [She looks down at her hands.]

I hope so.

I hope so, as well.

[Someone making the same mistake, over and over. You hate to see it.]

We can hope and support as much as we're able, but we can't neglect ourselves, either. Much like in battle or emergencies, if we're not in a good state, we can't effectively help others. [Something lots of people really ought to remember better, in his experience.] You can't change someone if they're determined to behave foolishly. You can advise and educate, but that's not the same thing. So it's good to focus on what you can change and control: your anger, and your helplessness.

Yeah, I figure. [Her grin is weak, but hey, it's there.] Kinda why I'm here, to be honest. I can't nag anyone else into therapy if I'm not dealin' with my own issues first.

Casey did say you were the smart one.

[Book intelligence is one thing, but you're likely to fall into a hole if you walk around with your nose in books all the time.]

I'll tell you what I've told others: anger's a seed that gets planted. If you give it what it needs, it'll grow into something better than what it started out as. If it just stays buried underground, it'll rot and spoil the ground around it. So, first... do you have effective ways you normally cultivate your anger, or have they not been doing any good if yes, and shall we brainstorm some new ideas?

[...uh.]

Hard to say. I mean, normally I'd just hit bad guys at home, but I never had cause to get so angry there as I do here. And there's like... a distinct lack of bad guys.

[Why don't we have two bit villains of the week here? It's criminal. Or wait, it's not criminal. God.]

...Ah. Hm.

[That's... a good point, actually. Lots of people find channeling aggression through (healthy, acceptably-targeting) violence cathartic in some way. But the handful of places within Folkmore that allows for it tend to be wild animals or monsters, such as Cruel Summer or Exile. Both have environmental issues on top of the danger, and he's against people hunting wild animals just for the sake of killing them.

But then there's... oh.]

I might know of a place. I can show you, but you'd have to agree not to go there on your own. There is some danger involved.

[Blink. There is definite interest there.] How dangerous?

[Though the girl does have common sense, so--] I won't go there on my own. I happen to know a buncha guys who'd be more than happy to go with me.

I thought you might. [Very close-knit family, here. He appreciates it, honestly.] I would say it's no more dangerous than the beasts you'd find roaming around this world. It's a gym in town that manifests fake monsters to practice fighting against. They keep coming endlessly, so there's no shortage of targets. You simply leave when you've had your fill. I believe Casey's familiar with it as well.

[something something he adopted that one too after Akechi left]

And he didn't tell me? [Wow, rude.] Man, I would've thought there'd be this huge fuss about a place like that. There was for everything else.

[Yeah, she's assuming it's a Thirteen installation like the arcades and such. She's absolutely going either way.]

Until recently, it was, ah. Privately owned. That's probably why.

[Cut him just a little slack, he lost a friend or something. It sure hadn't been Caduceus' priority when Akechi vanished.]

[Blink.]

...that implies someone had a gym that just summons monsters back home. Huh. [Which is about all the attention she pays to that, people come from weird as hell places.] This person's gone home now, I take it? Think they'd mind?

Well, I can only guess. But I think he would approve of it getting this sort of use. He was very... passionate.

[Channelling anger in the monster murder gym is right up his alley of interests. Yes, Caduceus is pretty confident that Akechi wouldn't mind this.]

I can get behind passionate. Gimme the details and I'll check it out? [...throwing up a lil scout's salute.] With big, beefy company.

Certainly.

[Cue some directions to the shadow gym location, woo.]

That may help with channeling some of the anger. Helplessness, however... that one's far more tricky. You can't control others, only yourself, but when the issue isn't your behaviour but theirs, your hands are more tied. When it comes to the most recent situation - and please trust me when I say this is not meant to place blame on you - looking back and with the power of foresight, is there anything you'd have done differently?

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