steepwithdead | Folkmore

[Oh, we're back to the therapy part. The disappointment is sort of there and gone before she squares her shoulders for the question--and then promptly wilts.

Because ahaha. The guilt game is strong in this equation.]

I wanna say yes. Because, y'know, foresight. Like... been in his space a lot more and tried to stop him from obsessing and maybe getting to the point he did? But I don't know-- like even with the warning signs, the whole kidnapping spree and self destruction was just...

...really out there. [But that wasn't the question. With foresight. But she doesn't think she'd have been anything but blindsided by the kidnapping supervillainy. So she searches for something she could have or would have done and comes up blank. There might have been something, but trying to think of it just...kind of rams her into the giant trauma wall of Donnie did fucking what.]

We needed to be there for him more. Maybe it wouldn't ever have got to that part if we could get him to open up to us, but he's... real good at not doing that.

They all are.

[gurl you came to him for help he's gonna try to do a good job!!

He nods along, reading between the lines somewhat. Some of it's new, some of it he's heard before, in bits and pieces.]

This sort of thing tends to dig deep into people, and it's easy to get caught up in the what-ifs and the maybes. It's good to revisit, think about how, if things were different, or if there was a next time, what could any of us do instead of what we did? Sometimes the answer is nothing. But even one little thing could make it better. [He lifts a hand.] The important difference is that this is taking responsibility, not blame. All of your efforts could have changed nothing. What others do, whether or not they share their thoughts and feelings, that isn't your fault. You hold only the responsibility to be as good a friend as you can, and to call out the behaviour of those you love, if they need it.

Hmm.

[If she had any fault in this, it was probably giving Donnie far too much free rein; maybe she could have hauled him up. It doesn't help that part of her decision to let him just kind of work it out of his system was she wanted to go home.

But Donnie has also been notoriously hard to divert in the past when he gets obsessed with something.]

I probably won't ever know, but tellin' myself that doesn't make it easier. But I do feel like it won't happen again. Not here. [Her smile is tiny and lopsided.] I mean... definitely not the kidnappin' thing, but lettin' him get so far as to think anything like that is acceptable or his only choice or whatever...

Honestly, he needs way more help than I do. [Because kidnapping was one hell of a jump, but she remembers the panic attack, and she's willing to bet it's not the only one. It's just the only one she's witnessed.]

I imagine so. [It makes sense that the people with the most troubles need the most help. Downside being they're usually the ones who resist it the most, too.] We can work on that. We cannot neglect ourselves, but if many of our fears and worries stem from others, it can make a big difference in our own lives when they are stable. You help them, they help you, you know?

Yeah. And he's helped a lot in the past, so I'm tryin' to help back, but... different kinds of help I guess. [Also his help has been unwarranted and unwanted at points in the past, but it's the thought that counts. Probably. Stop hacking into her grades, Donnie.]

I wanna make sure I'm okay and kinda there if they need me, and I don't wanna take my stress out on them because that helps nobody at all.

Hmm. You are... the big sister, aren't you?

[Remembering some of the things he'd heard before, from Casey but also the others here and there.]

The pressure on an older sibling can be awfully intense.

Guilty. [Kind of amused, given how many layers on that response.] And yeah... Raph's the big brother, and if he had hair I'd bet he'd be grey already. But things weren't so stressful before we came here, which is kinda hilarious given what we've been through at home.

The, ah. Alien invasion, right? [He's heard a lot of both versions by now.] You've found this world more stressful overall?

[No judgment, it's just that this is a very different perspective than Casey's, so he wants to know more.]

It's the whim and the lack of control. [Bluntly.] Like Thirteen blows through and just changes shit, or loses control of her Lore, or whatever, and suddenly half of us are inch tall or baby turtles or whatever. Stability? Never heard of her.

And we can't leave, and we can't solve problems without some stupid intricate overshare! [Is her voice raising as she continues? Possibly.] Also, nobody at home died. And so far, we're down two brothers and an arm.

And I've randomly dropped into comas twice in this stupid place, and every time I wake up something horrible has happened. How can I even try and help if I'm part of the problem!?

[Well. That had certainly been building. Good for her, honestly.]

I can see where the frustration comes from now, yeah.

[Very deserved and articulated, though.]

I'll lead with one pushback, or I suppose a gentle reminder: it isn't your fault, the coma thing. You're not the problem. These things were done to you.

I know! [It's a curt response, and she softens it a moment later, shoulders hunching.]

I know. Like... I thought the first one might have been, but even then it would've been an accident, and I since know it had nothin' to do with me. But that's why it sucks so much. We have some... random on high overlord that seems to think it's funny to drop me into a coma and stress out my family. And then shit happens and I'm not around to help, so it's so frustrating. It makes me wonder if it's because I could've changed something and Thirteen didn't want that.

[No babe, it's b/c your mun wants a vacay.]

Perhaps the intended trial would have been too easy with you around.

[He smiles musingly, not much humour to it.]

I'll admit, I don't think it's good to pursue that sort of thought. Even if that were true, it's still a flaw in the design of her test, and has nothing to do with you. If you have to punish other people to conduct a trial on someone, your methods should be re-examined.

Yeah, I know. Not much point lookin' at maybes, huh?

Maybes are fine. It's when the maybe turns into "my fault" when it isn't true that's bad for your mental health. It's important to look at a situation and go, "would I have done this thing, if that thing didn't happen"? If the answer's yes, your behaviour's the problem. Anything else means the situation is more complicated, and you can share the blame with someone or something else.

[He pauses, then amends with a smile,]

Share, but not entirely absolve. Just sometimes. Most problems are a group effort.

Eugh, boy. Are they ever. When it's a group effort, it's hard to work out how to start unravellin' the mess.

[...]

You got any advice on how to deal with someone obsessed to the point of unhealthiness?

[Oh that sure is a relevant thing to toss out, huh. He's... heard some things.]

The real answer is long and complicated, so I'll lead with the easier one: depends a lot on the obsession, and the person. In this particular case, [because may as well acknowledge the elephant,] the fixation should probably be shifted to something healthier.

[This elephant is wearing a purple mask and contemplating supervillainy.]

It's just... the end game result he was aimin' for ain't a bad one. If he'd done it at a more healthy pace and just asked for volunteers, it would be a really worthwhile thing, but he's so stressed he just doesn't know how to put the brakes on. Or, y'know. Ask.

[Gee golly is it ever.]

Some people are tragically incapable of asking for help- or at least, they need many, many lessons before it sinks in. Knowing what I know of your family, I imagine you'd asked him before if he needed help. How'd he respond to that sort of thing?

"I'm almost done, but thanks. It's not something you can help with." Etcetera, etcetera. I mean, he's a genius and he works with some pretty high-tech stuff, so when he says I can't help I usually just take him at his word. Or I did until now.

I did tell him not to work himself into oblivion, but I guess he didn't pay much attention to that.

It sounds like the real answer is, if he isn't able to take care of himself due to his obsessions, and you're looking for ways to help but can't help with his work, then you may need to become his restraint. Make an arrangement with him that demands he listens, takes a break or a meal, whatever is needed. [Like a non-sexy, self-care safe word.] Use it responsibly, to build trust with him on this method. Find support with the other members of his family that can coax or convince him, when he won't listen to you or you're feeling overwhelmed. He has to want to change for the better, but he will need help.

[~~But if i want the sexy kind of safe word--~~]

...he'd probably be open to that. I know he feels ashamed, but I think it's mostly that he disappointed us and he failed. If he'd succeeded...

[But he didn't. She doesn't want to chase that thought.]

[~~set that up with someone who isnt aroace and would understand ig~~]

He's the sort who would believe it worthwhile if he'd succeeded. Despite everything that happened, and how you feel about it.

Yeah. I'm pretty sure he was bankin' on us all bein' angry but gettin' over it because of the 'greater good' that was achieved. [Putting that in air quotes.]

Look...I know he was terrified about things happenin' back home. He kinda tunnel-visioned. But...I wanna believe this is something he'd never have done back home. It feels like Folkmore has messed with him in some pretty big way.

Mm... this world has a habit of forcing the worst upon us while claiming to push us towards our best. On one hand, I can understand the logic of challenging our capacity for good by giving us an easy route to do evil. On the other hand, it isn't her right to dish out these challenges.

[Not to say he's evil, mind. There's a big difference between doing ills to others and wanting to be. And there's nothing easy about making some of these choices.]

Regardless of Thirteen's rights or motives, this isn't something that should be inflicted on children. There's far too many of you here.

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oh wait she's not done

dang queen go off

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