steepwithdead | Folkmore

[He did say that, didn't he.]

True. I just wish I knew what her real motives were, but I guess that's not exactly in your wheelhouse. [Heh.] A lot of conversations with me end up raggin' on Thirteen. Sorry.

That's alright. She's a contentious subject. In truth I'm surprised more conversations don't end up like this. In that sense it's refreshing.

[More of a collective problem that they all share than an exclusive or personal one. He's great at sympathy and empathy, those are his great strengths, but it's not often he gets to properly share the experience.]

Really? I'm kinda surprised too, buuuut I guess a lotta people turn up here already...uh, stressed. [None of her business.] I guess I should be glad I got no real baggage of my own.

[Her baggage is. Almost completely fallout from other people's baggage.]

[Girl your baggage is everyone else's baggage.]

Do you think that may be why you're taking on so much of everyone else's troubles?

...probably. [She doesn't have to really think about that one, but she's reluctant to say so anyway, because she's worried what his response to that's gonna be.]

I'm the big sister. Everyone else is doin' so much worse, I'm just... juggling. Kinda.

Even big siblings need breaks sometimes, no matter how good or bad they're doing.

[Girl, please. There are adults who can and should be helping with this.]

[Problem is April's nearly 20 and is basically thinking she's the adult in this situation.]

Yeah, but I can't just pretend they don't need me, y'know? I know outright I make it easier for them by bein' here. [And she's got no problem with that whatsoever; it's a relief to know she's not entirely useless.] To steal a meme, I'd follow 'em to hell and back, I just wish they'd stop goin' there.

[Caduceus, who has no idea what a meme is, at least can accept it as a phrase in context. It isn't the time or place to be a boomer. (He doesn't know what that is, either.)]

You don't have to pretend anything like that. A break isn't the same as ignoring them, it's self-healing while you can, so you can be strong for them later.

[Just don't ever mention you don't know what memes are, Cad.]

Mm. [It's agreement. Reluctant though it is, but she knows carer's fatigue is a thing, yada yada.]

Just seems they tend to do dumb shit while I'm not around, so I'm not sure how much of a break I can take, or how to take it. You know every time this place puts me in a coma, one of them dies?

[It'll come out eventually and he will be doomed. He might get them already, eg. Rue texting him weird captioned photos he just sends thumbs up for because he doesn't get it and it's been too long to ask.]

I... did not know that. Have you been subjected to many comas?

[He's heard about at least two deaths...]

Two so far. One because of Thirteen back when all the Lore went wild...? I dunno why.

[She hesitates.] The second was kind of a... familiar bond gone wrong.

[Caduceus's brows furrow at that.]

A bond gone wrong?

[He hasn't formed any bonds in this world, personally, so he's never heard of such a thing.]

Well... it's probably working as intended, but we didn't choose the way it worked. [She gives an unhappy frown.] From what I can tell, most people can like... feel other people's emotions and know if they're happy or sad or whatever?

For us, it was physical. And I only got mostly the one emotion from Dee the entire time before everything went to hell. I didn't really know what it was until it was too late. I was just cold all the time.

...then he, uh... well, it was fear. I worked that part out. He's been runnin' on terror for a while. Then things went wrong with his huge mad science experiment and he took that to extremes and I ended up hypothermic.

...he didn't mean to hurt me. He didn't even know.

[Hm. That does seem to be the way bonds can work in this world. He's been leery of ever getting one, not that he had anyone to pledge to. If things had been different while Fjord was here, and he remembered everything they'd been through together, maybe, but... no.]

I'm sorry that was your experience. It's my understanding that these role connections are meant to support one another, not hinder. He wasn't aware of your condition?

[He's gathered that Donnie was mostly hiding himself away, but with such a close-knit family, news tends to travel. If he was that isolated, there's been a major communication breakdown, worse than he was aware of.]

No. He'd been shuttin' himself away a lot more, and we were just startin' to talk about interventions... [Her lip curls, because she hates the sound of that, but when someone gets that closed off it's no longer obsessive nerdery, it's obsessive... something else.]

But he kinda disappeared completely about the time I got sick. People tried to call in and got no response. I found out later he had no clue, but that was kind of a given. He wouldn't just let that stand.

Mm... so you became ill, fell into a coma, and he did a whole lot of science crime and died while you were out. And we've circled back to that helplessness you're struggling with.

[Because what could possibly make someone more helpless than being unconscious while their dearest friend got themselves killed doing all of that?]

[April's face does that kind of vulnerable wobble when something hits too close to home and she thinks now is a terrible time for being vulnerable about it, so it's gone half a second later. Despite, you know, coming here for therapy and discussing this whole concept for the last ten minutes. It's a scalpel to the heart of the problem, and scalpels sting.]

Right? I have a real hard time with the concept of 'oh well I was out cold, not my problem'.

[Caduceus waits as she works through it, silent until after she speaks. He's very familiar with the sharp moment that follows unfortunate truths. He's seen and felt both sides.]

I don't think anyone would expect you to be that level of apathetic about it. The real trick is finding a balance between understanding your own guilt without taking on an unfair blame. Feel bad for missing something terrible, yeah, that's natural. I've felt it, myself. Most people have.

Mm. I was maybe overstatin' it the other way. [She doesn't blame herself. It's just...] Basically, yeah. What you said.

I hate feelin' so helpless. And I really hate the idea that maybe I would at least know that I tried to stop shit from happening, but instead you get stuck in like... what-ifs forever.

It's true that for all of us, there are many things we can't change. The helplessness chases us, no matter which way we turn. For your own mental health, try not to look behind yourself too much. It nips at your ankles that much faster.

It takes great effort, and practice. But focus on what you can do: support them, in the aftermath. and ensure they know how you feel, too. When one is brave enough to share, those around them can at times, even gradually, feel safe enough to do the same.

[And he's noticed that some of these kids are pretty bad at doing that. Having someone who can take that first step is huge.]

I appreciate the great effort and practice part. [It helps offset the whole just don't do that part; it's so hard. But he's obviously not just pretending it's easy, so you know. And technically yeah, she gets that.]

Support, I can do. And they're gonna know how I feel in spades. [Threat.]

Yeah, you don't seem the type to hold back when something needs to be said.

[Wholeheartedly a compliment.]

Someone's gotta be like that and I don't see anyone else volunteerin'. [On account of Mikey not even being here yet according to the timeline, lmao.]

In that case, I'm glad it's you.

[He hopes she doesn't feel too much of the pressure, that the others can step up a little more and support her as much as she's supporting them. But at least he can offer a listening ear when she needs.]

If you should feel this kind of weight again, or even just need to vent about whatever's going on, know that my door's always open. ...And you can come just to visit, too, of course.

[She quirks a small grin at that.]

How many visitors you get that are just friends? [She hopes he gets a few.]

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