steepwithdead | Folkmore

I suppose that part is good.

[The last thing he'd wanted was to cause more pain. The rest... not so good. His hand shifts to Sephiroth's shoulder to help steady him, and for the moment he leaves it there. This is the sort of moment that can require grounding.]

I think perhaps it worked too effectively. Whatever is inside you is... ingrained. Too deep to be safely removed in that manner. By killing it, it killed you.

[In truth, he's never come across anything like that before. It's alarming. The fact that it came back when life was returned to him is an even more unexpected side effect.]

Then it isn't something to be purged, because I am the disease. Just like my other mother.

[There was no difference between himself and that plague in his blood; he was the plague. For all that he looked human, it seemed others were right, straight down to his genes.. he was, absolutely, a monster. Not just a human with some extra components.

A confirmation he really wasn't looking for. It did make this a rather pointless venture beyond that, though. A waste of what was surely rather precious time for the cleric, who would have plenty to do besides this.]

... It's not the first plan I've had that didn't go the way I wanted it to. [Sheer force of will means packing up any bitterness or pain about that clarified fact isn't terribly difficult, squashed down to nothingness.] I'll just have to find another road. I admit, the last time I was killed it hurt a lot more than that. Whatever methods it is you employ, or your patron, your targets don't suffer.

[Caduceus narrows his eyes at that. Oh, he does not like it one bit.]

You've died before?

[What is it with this world - or others - where children keep dying? It's the responsibility of those around them to prevent that, and a terrible burden to be placed on them by Thirteen. Even temporary, even with a revival possible, death is not meant to be something that happens so casually. He's a grave cleric, he's died, he gets these things.

He's glad it didn't cause suffering, but still, the fact that he caused this death is not a joyful experience for him. Healing magic is not built for this. It's meant to give life, not take it.]

Just once so far. Strangulation. I am told there'll be another five incidents, probably more.

[He shouldn't be that bland about it, probably.]

Mostly in another.. fifteen years or so I think. One of the several reasons I was hoping to be rid of the virus, I believe it's what keeps me alive. [There's a moment's pause; people didn't react well to things like that, it made it sound like he wanted to die right here and now. He raises a hand to try to stall any such argument, grimacing.] I don't wish to die, as a clarification. Not yet. But I also don't want to live forever, no matter what my creator wishes. There's an important distinction, I simply want to be able to one day.

[What a morbid future to be aware of. Five future deaths? And someone strangled him recently? He's remarkable calm about all of this. A lot of adults couldn't have managed that.]

Hmm. Perhaps the answer then would be, find a way to recreate an effect that will neutralize this alien disease within you, so that when it comes your time to die - naturally, or when you so desire - that which keeps you alive can be halted.

[He's much more willing to discuss the concept when the reasoning isn't suicide, but rather a desire to live and die naturally. That, he can support. An inability to die feels more like an undead situation, and that's too unnatural for his liking.]

And in the meantime, something to suppress what makes you uncomfortable about it, while leaving you alive...

[There's much to be done first. But being able to eventually stop would be.. nice. If the Planet wouldn't let him though. What then?

Neutralizing the alien in his biology later, and something now to suppress all of it sounded unlikely.]

What I dislike about it is very extensive, that might be harder to do than assuring my eventual death.

[Maybe he's focusing on the wrong thing. If he can't prevent himself from being a problem because of his nature, could he prevent others from being affected by it?]

...What about someone who isn't born with it as I am? Could they be cured?

I think you'll understand why I might hesitate volunteering to try something like that again.

[While death is a big part of his life he doesn't enjoy causing it, good grief. Even attempting to do a good thing, even if it was peaceful, that was deeply unsettling.

He does need to answer the question, though. It's a fair one, considering the boy's fears.]

...I don't know. It depends on how deeply the affliction is ingrained. If it's altered them in a way it altered you prior to your birth, the effect might be similar. If not, perhaps it could safely be purged.

I would prefer to find a way to be sure without risking harming them. But if they haven't been infected ... very long.. only a few years, it might be okay.

[How.. would something like that be tested? Willfully infect something and see if they die when cured?

He draws a breath, shoving down the wild tangle of emotions keeping him from being able to effectively THINK about things. There still had to be a way. If he couldn't be purged..]

I don't suppose amongst your repertoire of abilities is a way to protect against unnatural mental influence.

If they are willing and are informed of the risks ahead of time, then I can try. Though I would much rather pursue other options if we can. [He pauses, then gives his component bag a little shake.] ...And I may need to get more diamonds.

[All these restorations and revival castings has drained his supply. He's happy to help and the price means nothing to him, but they are an unfortunate necessity.

The question is familiar, one he's heard very recently, and from someone with similar distinctive eyes. He can't help wondering if they're related. He can't ask, of course - that would break confidence - but he is very curious.]

There are ways, both through mental training and magic. It depends on a few things. Does this alien aspect of yours try to control you?

[That's going to be a challenge to overcome. Being willing to even listen to an explanation. Zack might, but Zack seemed wholly unaffected by Jenova to begin with. How would anyone know if Caduceus could fix it?

But Cloud.. he didn't think it was going to happen.]

..I think I know a place that has diamonds. What are the diamonds for?

[He liked the river. It was peaceful, so long as he left before sunset. How hard could it be to find a diamond in all those glittering stones?

Very difficult, as the case might be, because he doesn't know at a glance how to tell a diamond from a cubic zircon. But if they were needed.. it would be a worthwhile endeavor, surely.

There's a long stretch of silence at the question that follows though, and Sephiroth's forced to weigh how much he really wants to say. It seemed a surprising jump of logic, but who knows what was possible to discern with the aid of a goddess?

Trust is difficult. He's learned to be careful of offering it before, time after painful time. Only one person hadn't burned him yet in that respect.

But if there was a way..]

No. I don't think so. [It's careful, ever so cautious. Caduceus already knew he was part disease, how much worse could this be?] I do the controlling, whether or not I'm aware of it at the time. And when I intend to, the harm I can do is .. significant. I would prefer not to be able to. Barring that, a way to protect others from me.

Edited 2024-11-23 20:05 (UTC)

Diamonds are a spell component. They're consumed in the casting. I used one to bring you back. [You know, after he killed you. (Oops.)] I was able to get them through a lore request, so they're simple enough to get back, at least.

[He's really not concerned. They very well might've earned enough lore to pay for them through this conversation alone. Though, if Sephiroth can find an alternative supply without making it a problem for himself, Caduceus will gladly take anything.

The additional context has Caduceus more certain than before: this is the person Cloud spoke of, he thinks. And whether or not Sephiroth does the controlling intentionally (he has no real reason to doubt the boy's sincerity at this point, so he's rolling with "not" for now), as he said, harm can still be done. Hm. Well, now he has extra thinking to do.]

Tell me. What are your thoughts on learning from Thirteen, when it comes to this issue?

[He knows Sephiroth already attends school, but Cloud had had such a visceral reaction to the idea, he's just getting ahead of a fresh problem.]

Huh. I suppose now I know the actual price of a life.

[One diamond! Wait is that the lesson to be learned here? It's put aside, probably not important, as a bit of trivia to annoy the scientists with later on. Some people claimed there could be no value placed on a life, but absolutely there apparently was.]

... I've asked. She seemed to feel it was better that I master it and accept that I am a disease instead of seeking to be free of it, as it's part of my greatest potential.

[Cad's suggestion has already been taken! He has no scorn or suspicion for Thirteen, he's imminently grateful to the Fox for all this place offered him. Even if it sometimes wasn't great. He's already made that step, and Cloud's absolute rejection of the idea isn't his own.

But Thirteen was here to make them the best they could be - not necessarily what they wanted to be.]

And in a way she'd be right. I've heard of the things I can accomplish with it, when I am a fully grown monster instead of a fumbling juvenile. Before the recent ruination of Folkmore, I was making some efforts at practice, but I don't want to know how. It's not comfortable, it's not fun, it's repugnant. I just..

[Want a normal life.]

...Would rather not.

[....

Sir. Sir. You did not just.

Okay, look, the rest of what Sephiroth said is important. He'll get there. He's great at circling back around. But there's absolutely no way he can let that slide. Such misconceptions should not be ignored.]

Please don't misunderstand. The price of a life is not the cost of what is used to bring someone back. It's a catalyst, a way of channeling power. In the grand scale of things, it is nothing. If you are starving and someone offers you the cheapest gruel, your life is not the value of a single copper.

[Life doesn't have a price. It truly is the logic of a child.]

Tell me: why do you think you came back?

[This seems to be a rather unimportant tangent to pursue, now that he's been handed something that for once made perfect sense. But he does his best to follow along with what is apparently important to the firbolg, and it's painfully obvious he's missing something important in all of this.

A bowl of gruel would not return the dead to life, surely.

At least, for all that he's terribly perplexed, Sephiroth seems to understand he's misstepped somewhere by how careful he is with his response.]

Specifically just recently? Because you got there before Thirteen or the virus did..?

Not quite.

[He supposes he should have expected such a technical, clinical answer. Can't be angry if it's what he knows. Children repeat what they are taught.]

You're thinking about this in a way that can be calculated, measured. A price to be paid. A diamond for a life. [He fishes another diamond from his bag and places it in Sephiroth's palm.] There, you have a diamond. Can you save someone's life, now? Reverse death?

[Though he's certain he's gotten something very wrong, he's still not certain what it is beyond, apparently, the comfortable price tag finally put on a life and thus solving the relentless ethical question. But that can't be it, can it? The diamond is rolled thoughtfully between his fingers; any of Caduceus' friends and associates might recognize that the cleric is angry, but to him it seems like perfectly reasonable calm.]

As I am now, no. I lack the knowledge to utilize the spells you possess and I don't know if it's teachable. But I could offer you the diamond and ask you to in my stead, should someone die.

Mm. Yes, true enough. But if I was not here? If no one else could use it that way? Would it have the same value?

No. All value for all things is situational. A diamond only is valuable because it's used as currency or jewelry; there is no inherent objective trait to it that makes it so, unlike measuring its weight or size.

[It can't be studied, it's not an objective thing. But he's vaguely sure this too may be a different answer than Caduceus wants.]

Then the price of a life is not a diamond.

[If it's not objective, don't state it like an objective fact, kidlet.]

[It's incredibly obvious Sephiroth feels otherwise, and very nearly says so, but chooses instead to not point out what seems very obvious and sensible to him. Saying anything about it was not likely to benefit him in any fashion, and more likely would cause problems instead.]

Yes.

[It absolutely is.]

[I DON'T BELIEVE YOU]

[But fine, because he doesn't feel like extending the argument, either. What a terrible mentality to have, though. Unfortunate. He doesn't know how to resolve that one.

Anyway.]

...Regardless, it's fair to not want to do something unpleasant or difficult. To have an easier and faster solution does feel better, in the moment, and to pursue it likely also feels right. I wouldn't want to discourage you from freeing yourself from that aspect of your being if it is something you so dislike. However, the temporary alternative of learning to control it, until a safe and healthy solution is found, is one you should still keep trying. For your sake, and for those you don't want to control even by accident.

[Sephiroth's used to telling authority figures what he knows they expect an answer to be, when he's certain it's not a discussion but a specific response desired. It's just how life is.]

There is a certain obvious danger in this circumstance, that doing so may only make me stronger, not more capable, in the short term. Continuing practice may make it harder to resist.

[Someday he should learn to pursue the verbal fisticuffs. He might learn something. Have his mind blown. Maybe change some minds himself.

Cad's expression softens considerably at that comment, and his voice gentles alongside it.]

When dealing with complicated situations like this, there are times when it comes down to following the path you have available to you, and trusting those around you to pull you back if you fall off track or lose your way. You are not as alone as you might think you are.

[Maybe, one day, when the spectre of Research and Development doesn't linger so sharply. Debate might be safer, then. He's got a lot to overcome.]

I've... been told that before. And I know it's well intentioned.

[Sephiroth has no doubts people mean it!]

But I can't bear the thought of hurting someone I care about while they put themselves accidentally or deliberately in the line of fire. There's so few. I don't want to lose any of them. I know it sounds foolish, that I should trust in them and so on, but that .. it won't make anything better if things go wrong. When they go wrong, everyone learning makes mistakes. In a training hall, you wear padded armor, you blunt the weapons, you have medics on hand in case something stupid happens, but with this?

[He knows it sounds paranoid, it sounded that way to himself. Fear wasn't .. always rational, but this isn't something fourteen year olds usually have to contend with.]

Edited 2024-12-05 02:24 (UTC)

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one stupidly high insight check later

the dice love caduceus

they really do, wheeze

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