steepwithdead | Folkmore

[This seems to be a rather unimportant tangent to pursue, now that he's been handed something that for once made perfect sense. But he does his best to follow along with what is apparently important to the firbolg, and it's painfully obvious he's missing something important in all of this.

A bowl of gruel would not return the dead to life, surely.

At least, for all that he's terribly perplexed, Sephiroth seems to understand he's misstepped somewhere by how careful he is with his response.]

Specifically just recently? Because you got there before Thirteen or the virus did..?

Not quite.

[He supposes he should have expected such a technical, clinical answer. Can't be angry if it's what he knows. Children repeat what they are taught.]

You're thinking about this in a way that can be calculated, measured. A price to be paid. A diamond for a life. [He fishes another diamond from his bag and places it in Sephiroth's palm.] There, you have a diamond. Can you save someone's life, now? Reverse death?

[Though he's certain he's gotten something very wrong, he's still not certain what it is beyond, apparently, the comfortable price tag finally put on a life and thus solving the relentless ethical question. But that can't be it, can it? The diamond is rolled thoughtfully between his fingers; any of Caduceus' friends and associates might recognize that the cleric is angry, but to him it seems like perfectly reasonable calm.]

As I am now, no. I lack the knowledge to utilize the spells you possess and I don't know if it's teachable. But I could offer you the diamond and ask you to in my stead, should someone die.

Mm. Yes, true enough. But if I was not here? If no one else could use it that way? Would it have the same value?

No. All value for all things is situational. A diamond only is valuable because it's used as currency or jewelry; there is no inherent objective trait to it that makes it so, unlike measuring its weight or size.

[It can't be studied, it's not an objective thing. But he's vaguely sure this too may be a different answer than Caduceus wants.]

Then the price of a life is not a diamond.

[If it's not objective, don't state it like an objective fact, kidlet.]

[It's incredibly obvious Sephiroth feels otherwise, and very nearly says so, but chooses instead to not point out what seems very obvious and sensible to him. Saying anything about it was not likely to benefit him in any fashion, and more likely would cause problems instead.]

Yes.

[It absolutely is.]

[I DON'T BELIEVE YOU]

[But fine, because he doesn't feel like extending the argument, either. What a terrible mentality to have, though. Unfortunate. He doesn't know how to resolve that one.

Anyway.]

...Regardless, it's fair to not want to do something unpleasant or difficult. To have an easier and faster solution does feel better, in the moment, and to pursue it likely also feels right. I wouldn't want to discourage you from freeing yourself from that aspect of your being if it is something you so dislike. However, the temporary alternative of learning to control it, until a safe and healthy solution is found, is one you should still keep trying. For your sake, and for those you don't want to control even by accident.

[Sephiroth's used to telling authority figures what he knows they expect an answer to be, when he's certain it's not a discussion but a specific response desired. It's just how life is.]

There is a certain obvious danger in this circumstance, that doing so may only make me stronger, not more capable, in the short term. Continuing practice may make it harder to resist.

[Someday he should learn to pursue the verbal fisticuffs. He might learn something. Have his mind blown. Maybe change some minds himself.

Cad's expression softens considerably at that comment, and his voice gentles alongside it.]

When dealing with complicated situations like this, there are times when it comes down to following the path you have available to you, and trusting those around you to pull you back if you fall off track or lose your way. You are not as alone as you might think you are.

[Maybe, one day, when the spectre of Research and Development doesn't linger so sharply. Debate might be safer, then. He's got a lot to overcome.]

I've... been told that before. And I know it's well intentioned.

[Sephiroth has no doubts people mean it!]

But I can't bear the thought of hurting someone I care about while they put themselves accidentally or deliberately in the line of fire. There's so few. I don't want to lose any of them. I know it sounds foolish, that I should trust in them and so on, but that .. it won't make anything better if things go wrong. When they go wrong, everyone learning makes mistakes. In a training hall, you wear padded armor, you blunt the weapons, you have medics on hand in case something stupid happens, but with this?

[He knows it sounds paranoid, it sounded that way to himself. Fear wasn't .. always rational, but this isn't something fourteen year olds usually have to contend with.]

Edited 2024-12-05 02:24 (UTC)

[Oh, buddy. That is a whole pile of responsibilities that don't belong on your shoulders, but Caduceus is almost 100% certain that Sephiroth either has assumed or in the past been told that it's on him. There's a lot to unpack here.]

Hmm.

[All of that sounds incredibly responsible, which is all well and good- respectable, even. If not for one very critical thing.]

If I may, and let me say first that this is not meant to disrespect you or rile you up. I mean it with the best of intentions. But has anyone taken a moment to remind you that you are still a child?

Sometimes. Occasionally it's even in the same conversation where it's outlined how much destruction I'm responsible for. Or how many will die between now and when there are finally those strong enough to temporarily stop me.

[He can't afford to think that way. Why waste time with impossibility?]

I know what you intend by saying so, sir, but I am a weapon, designed for singular purpose. I will never be anything else.

[That answer does not bode well at all.]

Is that what you truly believe, or what you've been told?

[The teen's smile is brief, but there's no humor in it.]

I know what you want me to say. It's alright. We all have to be something. And I can choose what I'm aimed at, unlike a sword, though I would like to minimize the unintentional damage I do.

[The urge to sigh is powerful, but he restrains himself. He suspects it could be misinterpreted; it's mostly self-directed, at this point.]

Let me be clear. The answer I want is an honest one, whenever I ask a question. I probe to understand better those around me. Even if we disagree, you're not required to change your mind. But when I push, it's because I believe it's something worth at least thinking about.

[This Sephiroth considers for a handful of seconds before he shakes his head.]

I have begun making peace with what I am and what I exist to do, though it's uncomfortable to do. I know such a thing is disturbing or offensive to others, but it doesn't change what I was made for, what's written into my blood. There.. is a point where I could keep struggling against it, and let denial and misery break me as I fail to reach the dividing line between myself and humanity, or ...

[He shrugs, but it hurts more than it's a dismissal. Caduceus is the first to hear him actually speak of trying to accept being a monster instead of resisting. There's mercy to be found in peace with oneself, maybe the only peace he'll ever have. It was heartening to know there was a way to kill him, far enough down the line, when he finished what he needed to do. When he was ready.]

Or I accept I never will be, stop allowing others to try to encourage me to pursue the impossible, and focus on what I can do something about. If I can prevent others from getting hurt I think I can be content with that.

[Caduceus considers that for a moment, looking quietly intrigued. This is a familiar topic, and not a bad way of looking at things, really. Self-identification is huge, and particularly critical aspect of those in their formative years. Is it good or bad to be a weapon, or a monster? That's not for either of them to say. What you are doesn't matter. It's what you do. Sephiroth seems to be on the right track as far as goals, it's the route taken and method used that needs to be sorted.]

I had a similar conversation with a young man months ago who also defined himself in a way that some might find uncomfortable, and what I shared then seemed to give him comfort, so perhaps it may help you as well. To start with: in my world, my kind are known as firbolgs, fey-giants. Giants are monsters.

[that sounds about right.]

In my planet you'd be a monster simply because you're huge and pink.

[It had taken him months to come to terms with the idea of intelligent nonhuman species, really come to terms with it. Not just rate them on 'this might be an exception, this individual is fine' but really accept that entire other races could be both not human, and not rampaging evil beasts. It did not yet apply to himself.]

I .. don't know if your planet treats monsters the way mine does or if it's ... just another way to describe a person. Can I ask for more context..?

[Caduceus makes a soft, amused noise, not surprised by the first part. He's been called worse and questioned about what he is multiple times, so he's used to it.]

Certainly. A lot of it depends on location and behaviour. In the wider world, there are several sentient species who live wild and violent lives, attacking all who cross their paths, stealing from or even devouring humans and the like. Some can be reasoned with, paid off, or threatened into leaving well enough alone. Some kill indiscriminately, and are in turn killed like beasts. I've killed giants who would have otherwise killed me. I have met fellow firbolgs who lived isolated and away from society, and some who have found a home for themselves in cities, doing good business with anyone who wishes to buy their wares.

[You know what, he's just gonna make some tea. This conversation's been kind of rough.]

In Xhorhas, many creatures that would otherwise be considered monsters live in their own cities, tribes, and territories. They're treated like any other person of a more socially accepted species might be. If treated with courtesy and respect, they just might do the same to you.

[He smiles calmly; the topic is somewhat grim, but it does have a point.]

Monsters can be good, they can be bad. They can mind their own business if allowed to do so. "Monster", or "weapon"... they're just words. Beyond our physical state, it doesn't define us. If I'm a monster, I choose to be one who helps people.

[In other words, he does approve of Sephiroth's thought process, even if some of his efforts are... flawed. He's figuring things out, Caduceus can respect that.]

[Gaia used to have multiple intelligent races. What had left only humanity standing, the same cataclysm that erased the Cetra, or something else? What would be different if they were still existing?

Would it be like Caduceus' world, where there's dozens of species and civilizations, all struggling to live in the same place?]

...And what of your kind of giant? Are .. firbolgs ..? A peaceful breed by and large or one of the ones that tend towards violence? You don't, it seems.

[Other places had different species. His neighbors were raccoons, and they shared tea with him occasionally if he chose to be social. They wore clothes, they worked, they cooked, they acted exactly like humans.. if humans were two feet tall and raccoons.

But they don't belong on Gaia.]

All other species like that are long gone on my planet. It's only aggressive monsters, and humans. It just ... doesn't work that way there. My kind of monster are not.. the kind that can be good or bad. A disease is just a disease.

[Even if there were other species, he'd still be a virus.]

With some luck I will remain a person enough to resist that instinct, and remain merely a monster that chooses to not destroy a world.

Mm. Less violent than most, I'll admit. There is normally caution that comes hand in hand with those of unusual size, as many folk don't enjoy being loomed over. Part of it's lack of exposure, too. We mostly keep to ourselves, so a good portion of the world doesn't really know us on sight.

[He shrugs. People don't scream and run at the sight of a firbolg, admittedly, so in that sense he has it easy. Curious caution or dismissal is more the norm. But to some, a giant is still a giant. (Or a half-giant, or a fey-giant, what-have-you.)]

Diseases typically don't have sentience, or free will. They're little things built to follow instinct, do what they're meant to do. If you're a disease, then much in the way that we monsters can choose to be good, you can also choose to do no harm. And if that's how you've decided to identify yourself, and it might bring you some peace, I'll support you.

[Self-identity shouldn't come hand in hand with self-flagellation, or giving up. Monsters can love themselves.]

[Sephiroth is aware one day he'll be tall for a human, but he'll never reach Caduceus' size. The level of looming he'll already be able to do is considerable. More would .. probably frighten the average person, it's true. Maybe it's for the best the firbolg is vividly pink, it's a bit disarming.

The pink is considered. Maybe there was something to coloration that would ease a bit of the uncertainty and fear of the unknown, but the only people afraid of him were the ones who knew who he was.]

Is that why you're pink? So people are less nervous?

[YOU DON'T JUST ASK SOMEONE WHY THEY'RE PINK.

It might be natural. Caduceus didn't seem like the sort to really spend a lot of time dying all his fur and such to get that color, so maybe.. firbolgs are just.. pink.]

Diseases also usually can't plan or lay traps, and this one can by the accounts I've heard. Everyone who's spoken to me speaks of her being utterly evil. She might still be part of the natural order on a ... planetary scale, but things might work a little differently for spacefaring diseases than terrestrial ones. I've.. wondered if I'll only want to eat a planet if I can see one from space, and those instincts aren't active because they're not facing their natural triggers.

[But intellect can override instinct and did often enough already. He had a suite of them, every living thing did, and by and large he was not usually a victim of their sway more than any other was.]

... If that's what I am then that's what I am. It makes me sick to think about but maybe it won't, eventually.

[He laughs at the colour commentary. (It's actually just his hair, but...)]

Ah, no, that's dye. [SURPRISE HE DOES] It comes in grey, but it looks atrocious if I leave it natural. I just like it this way. You should see my little sister, she's a whole rainbow.

[He considers the rest, thoughtfully mulling it over for a bit, before responding more seriously,]

I think it is natural, to be sickened by a nature that does not feel... natural. It's not a bad feeling, necessarily, though by definition it does feel bad. To go against a problematic instinct when following its lead is easier, is what can make someone a better person. Perhaps we can find a safe way to explore those instincts, too. And learn to control them.

Folkmore | IC Contact

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)