steepwithdead | Folkmore

[That answer does not bode well at all.]

Is that what you truly believe, or what you've been told?

[The teen's smile is brief, but there's no humor in it.]

I know what you want me to say. It's alright. We all have to be something. And I can choose what I'm aimed at, unlike a sword, though I would like to minimize the unintentional damage I do.

[The urge to sigh is powerful, but he restrains himself. He suspects it could be misinterpreted; it's mostly self-directed, at this point.]

Let me be clear. The answer I want is an honest one, whenever I ask a question. I probe to understand better those around me. Even if we disagree, you're not required to change your mind. But when I push, it's because I believe it's something worth at least thinking about.

[This Sephiroth considers for a handful of seconds before he shakes his head.]

I have begun making peace with what I am and what I exist to do, though it's uncomfortable to do. I know such a thing is disturbing or offensive to others, but it doesn't change what I was made for, what's written into my blood. There.. is a point where I could keep struggling against it, and let denial and misery break me as I fail to reach the dividing line between myself and humanity, or ...

[He shrugs, but it hurts more than it's a dismissal. Caduceus is the first to hear him actually speak of trying to accept being a monster instead of resisting. There's mercy to be found in peace with oneself, maybe the only peace he'll ever have. It was heartening to know there was a way to kill him, far enough down the line, when he finished what he needed to do. When he was ready.]

Or I accept I never will be, stop allowing others to try to encourage me to pursue the impossible, and focus on what I can do something about. If I can prevent others from getting hurt I think I can be content with that.

[Caduceus considers that for a moment, looking quietly intrigued. This is a familiar topic, and not a bad way of looking at things, really. Self-identification is huge, and particularly critical aspect of those in their formative years. Is it good or bad to be a weapon, or a monster? That's not for either of them to say. What you are doesn't matter. It's what you do. Sephiroth seems to be on the right track as far as goals, it's the route taken and method used that needs to be sorted.]

I had a similar conversation with a young man months ago who also defined himself in a way that some might find uncomfortable, and what I shared then seemed to give him comfort, so perhaps it may help you as well. To start with: in my world, my kind are known as firbolgs, fey-giants. Giants are monsters.

[that sounds about right.]

In my planet you'd be a monster simply because you're huge and pink.

[It had taken him months to come to terms with the idea of intelligent nonhuman species, really come to terms with it. Not just rate them on 'this might be an exception, this individual is fine' but really accept that entire other races could be both not human, and not rampaging evil beasts. It did not yet apply to himself.]

I .. don't know if your planet treats monsters the way mine does or if it's ... just another way to describe a person. Can I ask for more context..?

[Caduceus makes a soft, amused noise, not surprised by the first part. He's been called worse and questioned about what he is multiple times, so he's used to it.]

Certainly. A lot of it depends on location and behaviour. In the wider world, there are several sentient species who live wild and violent lives, attacking all who cross their paths, stealing from or even devouring humans and the like. Some can be reasoned with, paid off, or threatened into leaving well enough alone. Some kill indiscriminately, and are in turn killed like beasts. I've killed giants who would have otherwise killed me. I have met fellow firbolgs who lived isolated and away from society, and some who have found a home for themselves in cities, doing good business with anyone who wishes to buy their wares.

[You know what, he's just gonna make some tea. This conversation's been kind of rough.]

In Xhorhas, many creatures that would otherwise be considered monsters live in their own cities, tribes, and territories. They're treated like any other person of a more socially accepted species might be. If treated with courtesy and respect, they just might do the same to you.

[He smiles calmly; the topic is somewhat grim, but it does have a point.]

Monsters can be good, they can be bad. They can mind their own business if allowed to do so. "Monster", or "weapon"... they're just words. Beyond our physical state, it doesn't define us. If I'm a monster, I choose to be one who helps people.

[In other words, he does approve of Sephiroth's thought process, even if some of his efforts are... flawed. He's figuring things out, Caduceus can respect that.]

[Gaia used to have multiple intelligent races. What had left only humanity standing, the same cataclysm that erased the Cetra, or something else? What would be different if they were still existing?

Would it be like Caduceus' world, where there's dozens of species and civilizations, all struggling to live in the same place?]

...And what of your kind of giant? Are .. firbolgs ..? A peaceful breed by and large or one of the ones that tend towards violence? You don't, it seems.

[Other places had different species. His neighbors were raccoons, and they shared tea with him occasionally if he chose to be social. They wore clothes, they worked, they cooked, they acted exactly like humans.. if humans were two feet tall and raccoons.

But they don't belong on Gaia.]

All other species like that are long gone on my planet. It's only aggressive monsters, and humans. It just ... doesn't work that way there. My kind of monster are not.. the kind that can be good or bad. A disease is just a disease.

[Even if there were other species, he'd still be a virus.]

With some luck I will remain a person enough to resist that instinct, and remain merely a monster that chooses to not destroy a world.

Mm. Less violent than most, I'll admit. There is normally caution that comes hand in hand with those of unusual size, as many folk don't enjoy being loomed over. Part of it's lack of exposure, too. We mostly keep to ourselves, so a good portion of the world doesn't really know us on sight.

[He shrugs. People don't scream and run at the sight of a firbolg, admittedly, so in that sense he has it easy. Curious caution or dismissal is more the norm. But to some, a giant is still a giant. (Or a half-giant, or a fey-giant, what-have-you.)]

Diseases typically don't have sentience, or free will. They're little things built to follow instinct, do what they're meant to do. If you're a disease, then much in the way that we monsters can choose to be good, you can also choose to do no harm. And if that's how you've decided to identify yourself, and it might bring you some peace, I'll support you.

[Self-identity shouldn't come hand in hand with self-flagellation, or giving up. Monsters can love themselves.]

[Sephiroth is aware one day he'll be tall for a human, but he'll never reach Caduceus' size. The level of looming he'll already be able to do is considerable. More would .. probably frighten the average person, it's true. Maybe it's for the best the firbolg is vividly pink, it's a bit disarming.

The pink is considered. Maybe there was something to coloration that would ease a bit of the uncertainty and fear of the unknown, but the only people afraid of him were the ones who knew who he was.]

Is that why you're pink? So people are less nervous?

[YOU DON'T JUST ASK SOMEONE WHY THEY'RE PINK.

It might be natural. Caduceus didn't seem like the sort to really spend a lot of time dying all his fur and such to get that color, so maybe.. firbolgs are just.. pink.]

Diseases also usually can't plan or lay traps, and this one can by the accounts I've heard. Everyone who's spoken to me speaks of her being utterly evil. She might still be part of the natural order on a ... planetary scale, but things might work a little differently for spacefaring diseases than terrestrial ones. I've.. wondered if I'll only want to eat a planet if I can see one from space, and those instincts aren't active because they're not facing their natural triggers.

[But intellect can override instinct and did often enough already. He had a suite of them, every living thing did, and by and large he was not usually a victim of their sway more than any other was.]

... If that's what I am then that's what I am. It makes me sick to think about but maybe it won't, eventually.

[He laughs at the colour commentary. (It's actually just his hair, but...)]

Ah, no, that's dye. [SURPRISE HE DOES] It comes in grey, but it looks atrocious if I leave it natural. I just like it this way. You should see my little sister, she's a whole rainbow.

[He considers the rest, thoughtfully mulling it over for a bit, before responding more seriously,]

I think it is natural, to be sickened by a nature that does not feel... natural. It's not a bad feeling, necessarily, though by definition it does feel bad. To go against a problematic instinct when following its lead is easier, is what can make someone a better person. Perhaps we can find a safe way to explore those instincts, too. And learn to control them.

.. Oh. Is it terribly hard to turn hair into a rainbow?

[For a moment, the teen smiles, and though it's brief it seems painfully genuine in its amusement.]

I don't think I have to worry much about that particular one at least. I am very small and planets are very large, even if I really wanted to .. I'm not sure it could amount to much.

[What could he do, go eat a rock? He was human enough where that would be a problem even enhanced as he is.]

Let's just say it's a lot of work. And a lot of lichen.

[Like an all day affair, honestly. And she squirms the whole time.]

How does one consume a planet, exactly?

[Like, he thought it was kind of metaphorical before? But now he can't be sure. Is this like a snake alien disease? Is there magic jaw-unhinging.]

[In retrospect that some form of mushroom would be involved should not be a surprise. Were lichens mushrooms? ... Something to find out when he returned to classes, he supposed.]

Nobody's mentioned that part. Just that it happens, and what she does to trick the things alive on it. [He rubs a hand through his hair briefly, frowning, leaving it in pale disarray.] Given my impulse had been to put to the test some of the things she's capable of that I was told about.. it might be a wise precaution?

Mm... yes, I believe that developing some impulse control would be wise before you learn how to eat planets.

[A little joking, but also... a little not.]

I'm not about to eat anywhere I'm living, it would complicate the 'living there' part.

[Practicality can be relied on most of the time with Sephiroth, at least.

And he didn't want to, besides.]

... And even if I have to accept what I am it doesn't mean I need to do any such thing as eat a planet, normal human diet seems to work just fine and has all my life. [It had to work, he'd put on a good four inches in height since arriving nearly a year ago.] And if I've reached nearly fifteen without the impulse, it may never arrive. Hybrids can have faulty natures.

"Faulty" seems a little harsh, but I get where you're coming from.

[Probably not the time for a nature-versus-nurture debate, either. Not that he has enough info for one anyway.]

If you ever feel that itch, do reach out again. More heads are better than one for problem solving on that scale. [The scale of planet-eating? Oh, yes.]

My current plan is to treat it like 'french fries' if it does suddenly appear. I may want to, but I know it's going to make me terribly ill so I better not. If I can resist a fry, which is very hard if you've never had them, I can probably resist that.

[What a bizarre thing to be optimistic about, it's one of the first little ribbons of confidence he's had this entire time. He loved deep fried things, especially salty ones. Deep fried things did not love him back, and unless he was very, very careful would pay for it later.

Eating planets is probably going to be the same level of bad idea indigestion.

Even thinking about them made him want them, but he didn't feel like getting sick today.]

.. I've probably kept enough of your time today, I think. If nothing else I've learned that purging my alien mother is not possible, so it's best to not bother pursuing that line of thought.

[And he's learned there is something else out there, something warm and loving, even when he was dying--]

[French fries are infinitely easier to stuff into your mouth than whole planets, too, Caduceus is pretty sure. So maybe that helps. Seems like a good enough tactic to start with, anyway. So you know, what? He nods. Sure, go for it. Kid seems to need more support and confidence, anyway.]

I'm sorry I wasn't able to give you what you wanted. I'll... keep thinking about this, see if there might be other options we could pursue. If purging it outright is too much, perhaps removing some of it could be attempted instead. Weakening its hold on you could make a difference without taking your life.

[He doesn't yet know a spell that could do that, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Or that it can't be invented. Wizards create new spells for themselves all the time. He knows it's possible. The Wildmother's voice can't reach him here, so... he'll have to speak for himself.]

[The boy shakes his head; there's nothing to apologize for.]

Please don't apologize. I gained more than I thought I'd get, even if it wasn't what I originally sought. If nothing else, I now know one day I can actually stop, with the right means. And I'm very grateful for that.

[He'd been planning to try to find alternatives, like throwing himself and Jenova into a sun. Maybe there's other, less flammable ways to get it done. Nice ones, that don't hurt.]

But if something is found that I can make use of, I won't say no. Thirteen's opened the entirety of the universe to me, just because I haven't found an answer yet doesn't mean there isn't one to be found.

[It's beyond his scope of knowledge, though. He's no wizard, to invent new spells that might change one's very DNA.

As he slowly stands again, there's a moment of hesitation; he should go, but surely one last question..]

I don't know if when I die, my world will accept me into the Lifestream. I might be ... too alien. Do ... do you suppose, your Wildmother might?

[Caduceus shrugs. Whether he should apologize or not, he's already done it, so that's that. He is grateful that Sephiroth doesn't feel as if he's left empty-handed, though. Even without a full resolution, there is some progress that's been made, here.

The last question has him surprised at first, but it quickly transitions into another gentle smile.]

I've never known her to reject one who comes earnestly to her arms. It's not in her nature. [Little domain pun for you, ha ha.] I'm certain she would.

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