steepwithdead | Folkmore

Yeah, sometimes. [That biscuit is history, he's just finishing it off.] I got to meet a lot of cool people, I met my idol and helped him with a fight in a different country. I like helping people around my neighborhood, making them feel safe.

[Peter can't help but frame it in what he can do for other people. Even now.]

I'm kind of... stepping back though. I really wanted to just be normal for a while, but, it didn't work out exactly.

[More biscuits where that came from.]

What happened?

[He is taking another biscuit, breaking it in half.]

I was pulled into a place like this- [He gestures with the cookie half.] I asked an oracle what my future was like. They showed me my death. My second death, technically.

I just wanted to live. Just for a little while longer.

Your second?

[Caduceus doesn't sound especially surprised, mostly curious. It is admittedly unusual for people to die more than once, but, well. An adventurer's life (or perhaps a "superhero"'s) is just like that.]

Sort of. The way the oracle framed everything... it made it seem like I died a second time. [His life doesn't get any less weird. Peter is glad Cad isn't overly alarmed by it at least.] After I saw what looked like my second death, I thought I needed to step back for a while.

I had died once back home, for five years. I came back, and tried to pick back up on my life. Tried to not be a superhero for a while, but, I kept being dragged into helping by other people.

[Interesting. So he's been revived... it doesn't make the death any easier, but a second chance at life is nothing to shrug at. Certainly can change one's perspective.]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Dying can leave behind a scar, one that often becomes unseen even after returning to life. It's difficult to go back to normal after the fact, doubly so when it feels as if life is forcing you to do so before you're ready. Those who pushed you should have given you time to heal.

[His tone is soft, sympathetic- perhaps more significantly, understanding. His words are more than guesses.]

Everyone was trying to get back to normal so... [Peter shrugs a little before working on eating his halved biscuit.

The seeming understand does a fair job of making Peter relax a little more. Cad isn't shocked or weirded out at all. The coiled up defensive tension loosens into something more at ease.]

I- um. Went back home briefly, and it's left me feeling weird about a lot of things mostly.

If you're comfortable sharing, it's good to express such thoughts. Putting them into words gets them a little unjumbled, helps you process them better.

[Sure does sound as if he has a lot on his mind.]

[Peter takes a sip of tea, once again just using the lull to ponder.]

I... yeah, it is. [He agrees a bit blandly before pushing on.] My whole world view has been flipped on me, I'm trying to feel better and good again, but, knowing my aunt is dead, and I'm alone back home is scary.

I want to stay here with my boyfriend, and our friends, our family, but I'm afraid I'm going to be taken away again.

[Caduceus hums to acknowledge his words, mulling over them for a bit. It paints a grim picture.]

Have you given yourself space to grieve?

I cried a lot when I got back. Maybe a little after, but.... what else am I supposed to do?

I need to keep moving forward. [he's bad at this.]

Respectfully, you do not. Forcing yourself to move will only make each step harder. Grief is a process. For most people, it isn't something you can shrug off and forget.

I can't just... stop. I need to keep moving. I can't just fall apart.

I've cried enough on people. I'm not doing superhero stuff as much, but, I can't just be- sitting here looking sad. [He says more than a little defensively back.]

[He's unruffled by the defensiveness.]

Do you think those are your only options? There are more than two directions, more than two states of being.

[He's going to just sip his tea.]

I don't know what my options are besides that, since its usually what I do.

How has it worked out for you in the past?

[It's said gently, not accusatory. He's guessing not well, considering his prior answer.]

For... short periods of time, it would. [Peter offers back uncertainly, frowning down at his almost finished tea.]

[He can smell the tea shortage. Caduceus lifts the teapot, offering to top him up.]

It's easy to believe that grief can only be managed in two ways: wallowing in sorrow, or pushing it aside and moving forward. To stagnate or to force yourself. Consider a third option: sideways is a viable direction.

[Expecting that to be questioned, he continues, topping up his own cup.]

People underestimate sideways. The world is always rushing, determined to make the most of every day that comes along. Sideways gives you a bit of space away from a problem, without running from it or burying it. Sideways lets you see things from another angle, shifts your perspective a little. You're still moving, just... slowly.

[Peter gingerly extends the teacup out, wary of somehow dropping it mid-refill. It was his level of luck.

He draws the cup back as Caduceus speaks.] How do you... start doing things sideways then?

[That is not a rejection of the idea, just interest, if not confused interest.]

Well, something like this is a good start. Counselling is a way to process your thoughts and feelings rather than pushing yourself forward before you're ready. You can deal with things in a healthy manner, without stagnating or moving too quickly.

[He swirls his fresh tea around, contemplative.]

There are other ways. Sharing stories about those you've lost, revisiting memories, gradually learning how to measure your loss against the life you still have to live. Focus on the living relationships you have. You honour the dead by living, and loving.

[Peter takes some solace in the fact he apparently took a good first step. Even if he had hemmwed and hawwed about it for... a while.]

I have an adoptive family here, I just... [He trails off, thinking about all the times he's broken down on them, or ruined a mood when a topic got too heavy.]

I don't want to over-do it, I guess. They've had to pick me up more than a few times, and I don't want to make things harder on them.

When they need your support, are you there for them as well?

[Again, not judging or accusatory, just questioning. Some people aren't good at doing that instinctively.]

Yeah, of course. [The answer is immediate, a woosh of breath escaping him.] I try to be there as much as I can, or as much as they need me to be. Sometimes... people don't need the same kind of help.

[His mind briefly drifts back to Leo, a little worry pinching in his expression before he comes back to the moment properly.]

Mmm. [It's an answer he expected. Now comes a difficult question:] Please, think carefully on this, and speak true: has your life in any way been made more difficult, listening to their problems, their grievances, their sorrow?

[He thinks about it, but his answer is still the same.] No. It hasn't been made difficult. Not in a way I couldn't handle if it meant I was making things easier for them. I... I want to be there for the people I love. I'm going to be.

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