steepwithdead | Folkmore

I can make a lot of decisions, its just... hard to say 'no' sometimes. [He says a little defensively back, flushing in some embarrassment.]

[Mmmm this kid sure is reflectively defensive a lot.]

Is "sometimes" an accurate description? I can't help noticing that you struggled to think of an example moments ago.

[Peter tries to argue, but can't quite get there.]

...Okay, I, guess its not.

[Even with his need to be defensive, he does understand he doesn't have an actual leg to stand on.] It's more than a sometimes thing. Even if I don't like that very much.

I don't think anyone could blame you for that. It's a rare thing that one would have an unfair situation forced on them and find it pleasant. You're allowed to be upset, and you're allowed to object to that kind of treatment.

[Peter is quiet for a long moment, just thinking over Cad's words. A uncomfortable kind of bitterness fills his chest. He hates himself for it. He shouldn't be bitter. He doesn't deserve to be angry about it.]

You say that, but, a lot of people blamed me for a lot of things. I couldn't say no a lot of the time because I needed to be a hero, and help people. [Peter laughs a little bitterly at that. He remembers the heckling, the abuse, the anger from the public. From his classmates, from his teachers.]

I... [He sighs, trying to figure out how to phrase any of it. He seems intent to just let it drop entirely until he finds his voice. It is a bit wobbly, nervous, sharply unhappy in a way that speaks of how he's set everything side to just keep moving.] Got accused of murdering someone, this guy who was trying to wipe out an entire city, Quentin Beck. He had tricked people into trusting him, pretended he was a hero. He had tricked me too, until I realized what he was doing. He revealed who I was to everyone, made it seem like I killed him and the people he did kill.

People suddenly knew who I was, like, every single person in the world.

Have you ever had every single person you know look at you differently? Try to figure out if you were a murderer? Want you to go to jail for something you didn't do? Decide to punish you publicly for it anytime they saw you?

My aunt, and my friends knew I didn't do it, but, I ruined their lives. [There is a deep anger there, simmering under the surface before it is forcibly put out by Peter himself.

He is just eating another biscuit, forcing himself to shove everything back in place. He smooths over, just settling back on tired.]

[Caduceus watches him quietly for a little while, listening to every word, scrutinizing the shift in his expression in silence. It's a lot to take in, of course.]

I can't say that I have. I've witnessed many an injustice, experienced a few firsthand. People imprisoned unfairly, families and towns and forests destroyed through no fault of their own. Lives stolen, memories altered. Your suffering is unique and cruel, but you're not alone. Part of our nature is to endure, in spite of the hand we're dealt. Some say it makes us stronger, that suffering. I've never held to that belief.

[It is, as he'd told a bitter and horrible old man many months before now, inconsequential. Broken bones don't come back stronger. It is through mending and time that grants strength.

He takes a long, slow sip of his tea, his expression ponderous. He'd seen something important just then. Finally:]

How long have you been burying that anger, Peter?

[Because it's obvious, it's palpable. Teenagers feel emotions so strongly, they're not built to be diminished. Perhaps he lacks an outlet, perhaps it's been left unexplored for too long. But it exists, and based on what he's witnessing here and now, it's unhappy to be smothered.]

I've always thought, hope would carry us through anything. Even when things are bleak. You just keep standing up. Suffering doesn't make you stronger, hope does? [He offers simply enough, fidgeting with the tea cup in his grasp.

The anger is smoothed over, pressed firmly back into place. Peter's expression is back to something calmer but tired.]

[He opens his mouth, and closes it. His teeth click together audibly.] I dunno. I just- I'll be fine.

[Caduceus studies him again, more briefly this time. He's doing a decent job of masking it, but he's too young, and Cad's done this too many times before.]

Hope helps. For me, it's always been love that saves people. [Hope is an offshoot of love, though, a blanket to wear around that endless fire.] Here's another thing I believe, wholeheartedly. You will be fine, someday. You'll learn and grow and be loved enough by your family, and even your own self, that this too will pass. But I also believe that when that moment comes depends a lot on you, and how honest you're willing to be with yourself and those around you.

[Peter finds himself going quiet again, his gaze dropping aside again.]

Would... being angry be more honest? That'd be better?

[It is a hesitant question, a little scared of what that would entail.]

If you're angry and pretending you're not, then yeah, that's dishonest. Which, fair enough, there are people you don't want to share that anger with. But if you're lying to yourself or those who'd help you if they knew, that's like drinking a slow poison. You won't get better. It'll just hurt you when you least expect.

[In the long run, it won't be better. His tone is not accusatory, just matter-of-fact. He's seen this enough to know there are few exceptions. The truth will always come out.]

[Peter at least doesn't try to avoid the topic or be defensive. He just slumps into himself, picking at the hem of his sleeve.]

I nearly killed someone last time I was angry. I'm afraid of being that. [He says it plainly, a little afraid to admit it.] I'm supposed to be a hero, how can I be like this?

[Caduceus hums at that, not exactly unbothered (such an admission isn't one to be easily dismissed, and Peter is young, so maybe he's not killed before) but not especially judgmental of the admission, either. In the world he hails from, it truly is kill or be killed sometimes. His hands aren't clean. To kill in a rage, however...]

In my experience, to be a hero doesn't mean you never kill. There are times when death must come to someone who would harm many others. Being a hero is knowing when to strike and when to stay your hand.

[He levels Peter with a steady look, and smiles gently.]

Managing your anger in the heat of the moment takes time, and practice. Managing it in the aftermath, to start, is a little easier. You learn one, and it transitions into the other. Can I walk you through a few techniques that may help you?

Yeah- I... yeah. [He sighs, stalling out on his usual need to assure the man he doesn't kill. It won't really help in the moment.] Being a hero means making a lot of choices that aren't always the ones you want.

Please, can you? I feel kind of, not sure what I'm even doing anymore.

Of course. There's different methods, and they work differently for everyone. It's good to learn a handful so you can suss out what helps and what doesn't.

[Caduceus fusses with the little shrine beneath the tree for a moment, lighting a fresh incense stick, allowing a subtle, wooden spice filter into their immediate area.

Once that's settled, he walks Peter through several ways of managing his emotions: breathing exercises, mental separation, affirmations, meditation, non-violent physical activities. It's a broad variety of simple, easy-to-remember yet generally effective routes. Eventually he finishes with,]

There's others, but best not to overwhelm. Next time you feel truly angry about your situation, try a few, see if it helps. If it doesn't, we can look into something else. What do you think?

[The slow rise of the scent of the incense does a fair job of making Peter loosen up a bit more.

He listens intently Caduceus walks him through a few exercises. At least one breathing exercise he's sort of aware of. Everything else is new, or distantly familiar in a way. It is still better than Peter's usual option of ignoring the problem.]

I think that'd be good. I'll try these as needed and see what works best. Since, its a lot of options, but not a crazy amount.

[Caduceus nods approvingly. Good job, Peter, you're getting somewhere.]

Sometimes it's good to work through these exercises with a partner, someone to ground you and keep you on track. If you have trouble on your own, try it with someone else. Rue, your boyfriend, a friend you trust. You can come back to see me and we can work through it again together, if you like. My door is always open to you.

[Peter finds himself unintentionally echoing that nod back at Caduecus as he listens.]

I'll work on using these, have someone with me to help. I know if I don't, I well... won't do some of them. [Look, he's being honest, even with his guilty fidgeting.]

Thank you. I'm probably going to [he nearly says 'bother' before reframing it.] text you again to see when you're free.

[He'll accept the honesty for what it is, quiet but glad for it, with a sincere smile.]

I look forward to hearing from you again. I hope it all helps.

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sorry, this bitch got problems

bitch gotta talk about 'em

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