steepwithdead | Folkmore

Better than being immortal if you ask me. [He can't stomach the idea of living forever.]

Big question there, Tea Guru- [It's not a particularly good nickname, but, he's just talking to talk.] I kept going because I needed to. Because I wanted to live. I had some big grand idea of what the future could be if only we got rid of the Krang. It was my world, and I was going to fix things for my family, for everyone else.

It was easier when I had some big goal and had to keep pulling myself up.

[The nickname makes Caduceus chuckle briefly, without a protest. Fair enough, and accurate. The rest, well...]

Pardon me for the presumption, but I'm pulling from the attitude of my parents a little bit, here. You're a father. Is there no greater goal you could be left with now than raising your child?

[He slumps a little in his seat, his gaze dropping to the floor.] He doesn't need me anymore. Casey has grown up so much without me, he has a whole life here. He found a place that makes him feel safe. I feel like all I'm doing is derailing his life right now.

Hell. He- [He sighs openly. Not sure how to describe all of this. Describe the inciting event.] He caught me at a bad moment. Nothing I wanted him to see.

I feel like I'm ruining his peace.

[Caduceus considers that thoughtfully for a moment, as he draws the kettle from the stove and pours it into the pot, the water hot but not yet boiling, to avoid scalding the tea. As the water flows over the bulbs in the bottom, they begin to expand, petals gradually unfurling into pretty florals.]

You know, Casey's been coming to me for over a year now, pretty steadily. Only missed a handful of meet-ups like this due to some trial or another. Do you know how it all started?

[Normally he wouldn't share much between 'clients', but Casey has been quite free and permissive about sharing information with his mother, up to this point. The rule applies to his dad, too.]

[The question does take Leo out of his own funk, he glances up at Cad, eye ridges furrowing somewhat. He can smell the florals from here. It just helps distract him a little further.]

Are you even allowed to tell me that-? [Leonardo has never seen anyone for his mental health, but... he's sure there is a oath or something about not sharing information.]

[What the heck is this hippo oath you don't speak of, sir. Caduceus quirks his own brow in response.]

Casey gave his blessing to share whatever I see fit. He's very invested in helping you.

Well, as long as he's okay with me knowing. [He says uncertainly back, trying to understand if this is a good idea or not.]

Mmhm. [Caduceus isn't at all concerned about repercussions for this; Casey's been very forthcoming, and his permission was blanket. Since Leonardo's not indicated otherwise, he'll take the answer as a no.] It was at Rue's request. A trial hit us all especially hard, and he struggled in the aftermath. We explored the concept of "survivor's guilt". It's... a troublesome but not uncommon response to loss. The guilt of experiencing something as simple as living. To be the one alive, when you feel like someone else should be living in your place. It can come hand in hand with other thoughts and emotions, many not good.

[There's a lot of potential for bad moments. There's implications in his words, though for Casey's sake he won't explicitly explain.]

You died, but find yourself alive again, nearly alone in a brand new world. Have you been experiencing the same feelings?

[Caduceus so easily... just seeing through him just leaves Leonardo a little adrift. He opens his mouth, then closes it.]

I... [He needs a second.] That, would cover it, I think. I know I shouldn't be here, but I am.

Shouldn't be here, according to whom?

[His fate, maybe would be the obvious answer, but it's important to understand Leonardo's thinking on this.]

The fact I died at home, means I should have stayed dead. [He doesn't have a great counterargument for that.] The fact I'm here, I get to relax- it feels wrong.

Is it your belief that those who die shouldn't get another chance?

[His tone isn't judgmental, but a softer challenge.]

[His mind flits to Donnie at the question. He grimaces a little, shaking his head.] No, not... on certain cases. Second chances are a good thing.

Why is it that you're the exception?

A lot of better people, brighter, kinder, stronger people deserve a second chance more than I do. I'm just- [He struggles to actually articulate the thought, but it is one of those inside thoughts that he's never verbalized.] I'm just me. Nothing particularly special, even if I liked to crow about that kind of thing as a kid.

[Caduceus listens, looking thoughtful. It's a familiar train of thought, one that is never easy to hear- or to feel, personally.]

I suspect you're one of the few people who would think that about you. We are so often our worst critics. [They both know at least one person who thinks the absolute world of Leonardo.] However, it must be said, being "special" is not and will never be a requirement for getting another chance at life. Life isn't a thing you earn. It's a thing you give to those around you.

[Leonardo opens his mouth, a thought half formed before he lets it go. His teeth click together soundlessly as he just slouches in his seat.] That feels hard to believe, for me personally at least.

[He chews at his bottom lip for a moment.] Look, I... this feeling is essentially why I came in. During the chaos, these holes opened up in the ground. I fell in, but caught myself. I just got stuck in this line of thought of 'what if I just let go'. I was so tempted by the thought, I was just hanging there.

Then Casey found me and got scared. I never wanted him to see me like that.

It's a good conclusion to reach. Both in not wanting a repeat, and in recognizing the need to talk about it. That part's real important.

[Specifically with someone Not A Child, considering the topic, although their lives have involved enough collective death that it's only comparatively traumatizing to the rest, he suspects. Hits different when it's your family that dies. As someone who grew up around his own kind of death, with the elders of his family buried in the temple alongside the interned believers, he knows that well.]

When you asked yourself that question... "what if I just let go". Did your mind provide you with any sort of answer?

It would be easier if I could just lie to myself about it. [He says with a sigh, actively tired of the topic, but pushing through.]

Not... really? I just kept looping on it. Stuck on it.

[He laughs a little mirthlessly.] I keep thinking about how I died. That relief Casey was safe. How I didn't have to care about being alive anymore. Casey keeps thinking It's because I want to see the rest of our family. It's- it isn't that.

[Caduceus cants his head slightly at that, inquiring.]

What is it, then?

[He mulls the words over, just speaking simply.]

It would be nice to just not be. Just for a while, maybe forever. I don't know. [He shrugs a little helplessly.] Easier said than done. I need to... keep moving forward.

[Not an entirely unexpected answer, but still a sobering one, to be sure. Caduceus takes a long sip of tea, mulling through it. It is, admittedly, not a feeling he's familiar with. He's felt depression, loneliness, and a desperation that let him to do some... questionable things. But not that. He's seen it in others, though. Friends.]

Have you felt this before? In your own world, or ever?

Not until the war, I think. [It's hard to think beyond that, really. He doesn't connect to that teenager he once was.] But, there is- was always something to do. Someone needed me. There was a fight to win. People to talk to. I needed to keep moving.

Mm... a solid distraction to keep your thoughts in check. War can do that, for a time.

[Until it catches up with you.]

Now the fight for survival is with your own head. I'm sure you know: that isn't the path to peace. Regret can follow you even to the beyond.

Eventually war ends. I just thought I was done, too. [He doesn't regret being alive. He's just actively tired.]

You'd think death would be the actual end, but, nothing is ever that easy.

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cw: suicidal ideation, PSTD, war trauma

Re: cw: suicidal ideation, PSTD, war trauma

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