steepwithdead | Folkmore

It would be easier if I could just lie to myself about it. [He says with a sigh, actively tired of the topic, but pushing through.]

Not... really? I just kept looping on it. Stuck on it.

[He laughs a little mirthlessly.] I keep thinking about how I died. That relief Casey was safe. How I didn't have to care about being alive anymore. Casey keeps thinking It's because I want to see the rest of our family. It's- it isn't that.

[Caduceus cants his head slightly at that, inquiring.]

What is it, then?

[He mulls the words over, just speaking simply.]

It would be nice to just not be. Just for a while, maybe forever. I don't know. [He shrugs a little helplessly.] Easier said than done. I need to... keep moving forward.

[Not an entirely unexpected answer, but still a sobering one, to be sure. Caduceus takes a long sip of tea, mulling through it. It is, admittedly, not a feeling he's familiar with. He's felt depression, loneliness, and a desperation that let him to do some... questionable things. But not that. He's seen it in others, though. Friends.]

Have you felt this before? In your own world, or ever?

Not until the war, I think. [It's hard to think beyond that, really. He doesn't connect to that teenager he once was.] But, there is- was always something to do. Someone needed me. There was a fight to win. People to talk to. I needed to keep moving.

Mm... a solid distraction to keep your thoughts in check. War can do that, for a time.

[Until it catches up with you.]

Now the fight for survival is with your own head. I'm sure you know: that isn't the path to peace. Regret can follow you even to the beyond.

Eventually war ends. I just thought I was done, too. [He doesn't regret being alive. He's just actively tired.]

You'd think death would be the actual end, but, nothing is ever that easy.

For most people, that is the case. Or at least, as far as we're aware of it. It wouldn't be as difficult if it was a known entity, a thing that happened to everyone. I think, at least.

[He's seen it a bit here, admittedly. Death is impermanent in this world. It leads to a more casual attitude about it, for some. When something is impermanent, it can become essentially meaningless. That is dangerous.]

There is hope, though. You're in the earliest days of this. It's difficult now, but there's so much potential for it to get easier. Like any wound, you need time and rest to heal. And a little help, of course.

I keep hearing a lot of that. Insistences it'll get better. The sentiment doesn't feel great.

I had to keep telling myself the same damn thing on loop during the war, so right now, it feels hard to believe. I'm not gonna say that to Casey or anyone else- I'm just... trying to believe again.

Have you considered that so many people saying it means there could be truth to it, but you've only just begun your journey so it feels insurmountable? Someone who has experienced as much as you have, for as long as you have, is going to have a much longer recovery period than most.

[Your kid was a hot mess on Day 1. (He is still a hot mess, he just has healthier coping mechanisms now.)]

[Someone wants to be perfectly well adjusted out the gate, and is not coping with his inability to handle the reality of things all that well.

He just drags a hand across his face, releasing a frustrated breath.]

Don't you go lobbing common sense at me. Criminal behavior. [He tries for a joke, even if it does not land.] I'd prefer if I could just pull it together now, and be alright. Prove to Casey at least he doesn't need to worry.

There was... another me here before, who failed to live, Casey found out about him and built a shrine. I'm not exactly disproving that as a possibility for me now.

[It lands well enough that Caduceus smiles, recognizing the attempt, and fills their teacups to keep mum while Leonardo continues.]

I wondered if he would tell you. [Wasn't going to ask, unless Casey wanted to share. But it's only fair to let Leonardo know he's aware of the situation.] It's why you're here, isn't it? You've seen the worst case scenario, and so has he. You being brought back to this world doesn't just magically erase what you, and the you of back then, are feeling. You want to keep him from worrying, which means you can't burden him with all of this, but you need an avenue or the past will be repeated. You're protecting your child.

[He raises his mug in salute.]

You're doing the right thing, for the right reasons. Give yourself the credit you're due.

[Leonardo's attention is at least waylaid by the tea. He reaches out to pick up his own teacup. He blows on the hot liquid, trying to give it a chance to cool. His grip is overly careful with his metal hand, wary of somehow breaking the teacup.

The salute earns a thin brief smile.]

I can guess he just didn't plan on telling me originally. Then this happened. We both had enough of a scare about my mortality that it had to come up. [If their positions were reversed, Leo would've tried to keep it away from Casey.]

Never feels like I'm doing enough, or even the right thing. He's frustrated by... how Dee and I are acting. I just, don't want to drop all of my problems onto him. I don't want to be like my father, and I don't want to make his life worse.

[Caduceus nods thoughtfully. He's not heard anything about the generation beyond the younger and the parental, but it makes sense that this sort of grief might otherwise be kept private. It's one thing to die, to know you died. It's another thing to know you died of despair and was mourned so explicitly, so directly, despite being here now.

That last comment gains his focus, however:]

What was your father like?

[He is just going to take a sip of his tea, half to gather his thoughts, and half to stall.

Even then, he seems to need a moment as he sets his cup back in place.]

Feels like a loaded question. [He muses with a little laugh, his gaze drifting away from Cad.] I feel like, you need context. We- he never planned on us. Draxum created us from his DNA to be rid of humans. His great weapons to relcaim the surface for yokai kind. [Even now, he remembers those stories. How Draxum behaved, and bickered with their father.] Pops took us away from him, raised us best he could. Taking on four kids at once... it's a lot.

[He fiddles with the fabric of his pants absently. Excuses come easily enough. A practiced gesture from the turtle.]

He loved us. He also wasn't sure what to do with us for a very long time. Even after the war started, he wasn't sure. We were only kids when it started- so- [He waves a hand, getting distracted.] Troubled, loving, trying his best.

Edited 2025-08-12 03:00 (UTC)

[Caduceus listens quietly, nodding along, even though some of it is lost on him (the heck is DNA?) he has heard a bit of the origin story, since he'd spent some time with Draxum himself. The specific troubles of the earlier generation isn't something Casey has gotten into (or maybe isn't aware of, Caduceus couldn't say) so it's new. Very important context, indeed.]

"Troubled, loving, trying their best" is I think the default position for many parents. It's the success rate that varies. [He's not a parent, likely never will be, he's simply observed many over the years. Including his own.] I'm of the belief that love is the most important part, but it isn't enough. What aspects of him, and his parenting, are you hoping to avoid?

[He snorts a little at Caduceus' sentiment, a touch of amusement easing some of the heaviness of the topic for him.] Okay, that is fair, I just- don't want to be negative about him? I miss him. I love him, I know- Donnie and I have... very different opinions on him. [There have been arguments, Leo won't get into it.]

After we became teenagers, he... withdrew I guess? Let us figure our own things out as a group of teens. We were always trying to get dad's attention or time as kids. I remember being Casey's age and being so desperate to spend time with him. Raph was in charge and took care of us, made sure we didn't keel over or starve. Dad was in his own world.

I don't want Casey to feel like I'm... some distant figure he can't reach. I don't want my own problems clouding my thoughts or judgement that I don't see him anymore.

That's a valid concern. I've known plenty of people who have, among their other ambitions, a life goal of not being their parents. It is a mark of maturity to be able to acknowledge that those who raised you are imperfect, to recognize their flaws and know whether or not they loved you.

[Because sometimes the answer is "no", and sometimes the answer is, in fact, "sometimes". Sounds as if Donnie (the older?? Donnie?? the younger version sees him for what they are not calling therapy or counselling but definitely is so it must be) came to a different conclusion than Leo. That's okay, too. But here, the answer is "yes", albeit complicated.]

You, too, are a flawed person, and Casey knows that. He came to this world full of blind hero-worship for you, the thoughts and beliefs of a child who saw you as his hope, someone he felt adrift without. Now, having lived here on his own two feet, grown beyond that war, some of the lustre has rubbed away. Approaching adulthood changes relationships, but not every aspect is affected. You know what's left behind, don't you?

I don't want grief to cloud me like it did my father. [He adds softly, not sure how to approach the family legacy.] He ran from a legacy of dying for a greater good. I- understand why, but, I'm- ['I'm afraid of becoming even more like him.' goes unsaid. He sighs, shaking his head, focusing on the actual question.]

I'm going to guess love is left behind? [He questions with a brief quirk of his lips. He isn't surprised by the hero worship. He remembers Casey chasing after him in halls back in bases, clambering onto his shell, wanting to hold his hand when there was a chance to.]

Sometimes it's the duty of parent or child to break a problematic family cycle. Those who come before or after don't often understand the cost, or the benefit.

[He swirls his tea around in his mug, thinking of his family. The weight of duty, of the choices made over the years. To heed the call and leave, one after another, for the greater good. Most of them had been adults, when Mom left. Clarabelle had only been seven...]

Ah, sometimes it pays to be predictable. [He laughs, pushing his own thoughts aside.] Love is the biggest part, but more than that, it's the form that love takes. To accept someone as they are, flaws and strengths, warts and all, is to love them so much stronger and fiercer than a blind and worshipful kind. It is important that you see him. Children long for the attention and praise of their parents. But know that he sees you, too.

[He ends up taking a sip of his own tea, enjoying the way the cup warms his flesh hand. The material his prosthetic is made of reflects the heat back at the mug, back to his flesh hand holding it.]

Dunno about predictable. [His smile manages to linger, easing some of the tension he's been carrying.] We've been circling around it a good while.

It's good to hear that, reassuring. A little scary too. [He stares down into the mug.] I'm afraid these days that what he sees won't be what he wants anymore. The hero worship bubble being broken... it's hard. I remember struggling with it. I love my dad, respect him, feel bad he went through so much, but... he wasn't my hero anymore after a certain point. Not in the same way.

[Caduceus tilts his head thoughtfully at that. Hmm.]

There's a very big difference between hero worship and viewing you as a hero. That boy still very much thinks the world of you. But you can learn to pull your hero off of a pedestal, closer to your level. Understand them, look up to them, but approach them with expectations they can meet. It's healthy, and human. [His smile broadens.] Or, well. Humanoid. You get it.

[He sips at his tea again, using it to ponder.] Yeah, I... yeah, I get it. [He feels silly for not having the right words for just a moment.]

I just want to be worth thinking of as a hero, I guess. [That is a simple admittance on his part. He's actually mulling over Cad's point, at least opening up still.] I worry I'm going to let him down enough he won't see me as a hero anymore.

I already know I'm not much of a hero in the first place. I couldn't save his mother, save anyone else in our family. Last thing Mikey and I could do was make sure he was safe.

And you did that. You saved his life. That act is heroic, for certain.

[Caduceus moves to refill each mug.]

As you say, though, you don't want to be like your own father, distancing yourself from him. So rather than focusing on your worth as his hero, consider how you might be worthy of being his dad. The journey is just as daunting, just as difficult. But the best fathers I've met would consider it just as rewarding, if not more.

[More tea is not something Leo is opposed to. At this rate, he's at least feeling comforted by having it. A luxury he's still enjoying. His mind drifts to the first meeting he had with the teenage version of his twin before he lets it drop away. Not the point.] Heroic, but, left its own mark.

[He's not unaware that Casey is picking up some of his bad habits.]

I've always been his dad to some degree, but, this is... the first time we've both just voiced it fully. So, it's definitely daunting. I want to take that journey. I'm halfway there, I think?

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cw: suicidal ideation, PSTD, war trauma

Re: cw: suicidal ideation, PSTD, war trauma

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