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[steepwithdead]

"Oh, hey."

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[grabaslice]

I don't want grief to cloud me like it did my father. [He adds softly, not sure how to approach the family legacy.] He ran from a legacy of dying for a greater good. I- understand why, but, I'm- ['I'm afraid of becoming even more like him.' goes unsaid. He sighs, shaking his head, focusing on the actual question.]

I'm going to guess love is left behind? [He questions with a brief quirk of his lips. He isn't surprised by the hero worship. He remembers Casey chasing after him in halls back in bases, clambering onto his shell, wanting to hold his hand when there was a chance to.]

[steepwithdead]

Sometimes it's the duty of parent or child to break a problematic family cycle. Those who come before or after don't often understand the cost, or the benefit.

[He swirls his tea around in his mug, thinking of his family. The weight of duty, of the choices made over the years. To heed the call and leave, one after another, for the greater good. Most of them had been adults, when Mom left. Clarabelle had only been seven...]

Ah, sometimes it pays to be predictable. [He laughs, pushing his own thoughts aside.] Love is the biggest part, but more than that, it's the form that love takes. To accept someone as they are, flaws and strengths, warts and all, is to love them so much stronger and fiercer than a blind and worshipful kind. It is important that you see him. Children long for the attention and praise of their parents. But know that he sees you, too.

[grabaslice]

[He ends up taking a sip of his own tea, enjoying the way the cup warms his flesh hand. The material his prosthetic is made of reflects the heat back at the mug, back to his flesh hand holding it.]

Dunno about predictable. [His smile manages to linger, easing some of the tension he's been carrying.] We've been circling around it a good while.

It's good to hear that, reassuring. A little scary too. [He stares down into the mug.] I'm afraid these days that what he sees won't be what he wants anymore. The hero worship bubble being broken... it's hard. I remember struggling with it. I love my dad, respect him, feel bad he went through so much, but... he wasn't my hero anymore after a certain point. Not in the same way.

[steepwithdead]

[Caduceus tilts his head thoughtfully at that. Hmm.]

There's a very big difference between hero worship and viewing you as a hero. That boy still very much thinks the world of you. But you can learn to pull your hero off of a pedestal, closer to your level. Understand them, look up to them, but approach them with expectations they can meet. It's healthy, and human. [His smile broadens.] Or, well. Humanoid. You get it.

[grabaslice]

[He sips at his tea again, using it to ponder.] Yeah, I... yeah, I get it. [He feels silly for not having the right words for just a moment.]

I just want to be worth thinking of as a hero, I guess. [That is a simple admittance on his part. He's actually mulling over Cad's point, at least opening up still.] I worry I'm going to let him down enough he won't see me as a hero anymore.

I already know I'm not much of a hero in the first place. I couldn't save his mother, save anyone else in our family. Last thing Mikey and I could do was make sure he was safe.

[steepwithdead]

And you did that. You saved his life. That act is heroic, for certain.

[Caduceus moves to refill each mug.]

As you say, though, you don't want to be like your own father, distancing yourself from him. So rather than focusing on your worth as his hero, consider how you might be worthy of being his dad. The journey is just as daunting, just as difficult. But the best fathers I've met would consider it just as rewarding, if not more.

[grabaslice]

[More tea is not something Leo is opposed to. At this rate, he's at least feeling comforted by having it. A luxury he's still enjoying. His mind drifts to the first meeting he had with the teenage version of his twin before he lets it drop away. Not the point.] Heroic, but, left its own mark.

[He's not unaware that Casey is picking up some of his bad habits.]

I've always been his dad to some degree, but, this is... the first time we've both just voiced it fully. So, it's definitely daunting. I want to take that journey. I'm halfway there, I think?

[steepwithdead]

Halfway there is pretty good, considering you just started. Officially speaking.

[This is the beginning of a journey! That's an important thing to remember.]

You most important jobs as a parent are to love him, teach him, guide him towards the best path, whatever that might be. You don't want to be like your father, that's more than fair. If he grows up and continues to want to be at least a little like you, I'd call that successful parenting.

[grabaslice]

[He snorts a little at that.] Just started, but also been around in his life forever. Just got the actual parental title now, not just 'sensei'.

I'd like him to just be... him. If that makes sense. He's a damn good kid. Better than me by leaps and bounds. I want to be sure he thrives and succeeds.

[He huffs a little.] I was worried if I stayed too close I'd just hinder him.

[steepwithdead]

Hmmm.

[Oh, that thought earns a quirked brow.]

You said, "was". How about now?

[grabaslice]

[He does pause to put his thoughts into a loose sentence, a possible use of language.] Some part of me still wants to give him space, so I don't- ruin what he has.

But... after the scare I gave him, and a couple talks we had, I don't think it's as good of an idea as I thought it was originally. [Look at him, some realizations...]

[steepwithdead]

[Getting a good grade in therapy.]

I believe that's a good conclusion to reach. Otherwise you might see history repeating itself- a father withdrawing, and a son desperately seeking the attention he used to have, and still craves.

[A little cutthroat, perhaps, but it was Leonardo himself who said it: that's what his father did, and his father is what he doesn't want to become.]

[grabaslice]

[The cutthroat comment does a good job of making the turtle wilt into himself a little. He mutters into his teacup.] oh god, I am becoming my father... Damn it.

[Give him a second.]

Okay, I'll- remember that, I just...have such a big fear of hindering him. Ruining everything by being here. Trying to stay away wouldn't help, though.

[steepwithdead]

Fear's natural. There's a saying: courage isn't the absence of fear, but the strength to surpass it. You can be afraid of what your presence changes in his life, that you might make a mistake. Acknowledging it is a good thing. But think about what kind of mistakes he might forgive you for, and which might change how he thinks of you, long after you're gone.

[That sort of ruin is apparently something he has experience with, judging by his comment about Donatello. The absence of an active father is at least one mistake he's seen the consequences of, and can choose to avoid.]

[grabaslice]

[He sips at his tea, just mulling that over.] I want to be here for him, for as long as I can be. As long as he'll need me.

I hope the mistakes I do make are things he can forgive me for. We can grow past.

[steepwithdead]

It sounds like you know what you're meant to do, then, and where to be. It's now a matter of fighting the urge to go back on it, and follow through instead. It can feel like an uphill battle, but the decision itself is critical.

[grabaslice]

[He's getting SUCH a good grade in therapy!!]

I'll add it to my list. [Half a joke, half not.] Focusing on Casey will at least help. Outside of that, I dunno what the hell to do with myself.

What do you do with an old war horse when there isn't a war anymore?

[steepwithdead]

[All the gold stars, buddy.]

Rehabilitation is a good start.

[grabaslice]

Rehabilitation is so easy to say, but, the hell do I even do? [He sips at tea, just trying to distract himself.]

I don't want to fight anymore, so training is not in the picture. I'd rather chew off my remaining arm than be ready to fight at all times anymore.

[steepwithdead]

I would never presume any of this to be easy.

[He hasn't fought decades of a daily, seemingly endless and losing war, he doesn't know that exhaustion. He does know something about a seemingly unstoppable foe, though his fight was less up close and personal, more a slow decay of all he held dear, by the encroaching corruption of the forest around his home. Different enough not to feel the same weight, similar enough to understand the weariness that sinks in over time.]

You need to train the war out of the horse. Separate the fight from who you are as a person. This war started when you were still a child, so you never had the chance to grow into the adult you were meant to be and instead became what you are now. Go back to your roots. What were your dreams?

[grabaslice]

[Cad's assurance at least takes some of the fight out of the grumbling turtle. Thinking about what his dreams were back then is jarring. He's not that person anymore. All of it feels like a distant, hazy dream. Tendrils of mist he can only faintly feel but not grasp.]

I mostly just wanted to spend time with my family. Patrolling New York to stop crime was just an easy excuse for it. After Pops made me leader, I guess I just wanted to keep my brothers safe. [He offers simply back. Dedicated to his family regardless of war or not.] Anything else was just basic stuff I did as a kid: play basketball, skateboard, read comics, and start fights with my brothers for no reason.

I didn't dream about doing much of anything with my life. Just living it, I guess.

[steepwithdead]

It sounds to me as if your first task is to start allowing yourself to dream again.

[Dreams are very important, in his experience. Dreams, and hopes, and wishes for your life, for your future, for those you love.]

You can lead with the basics, if that helps. Dream small, so you can learn how to do it again. Then you might remember how to dream big again. That's how rehabilitation begins: take a single step, don't jump. Let your dreams be sourced from what you wanted. For example, you wanted to spend time with your family. So if you can't decide what to do, then the first step is to find out what they want to do, and do it with them.

[grabaslice]

[He hums a little, mulling that over properly. Later on the conversation will spark the idea of a trip with Donnie. For now, he draws a blank on where to start.]

Never a cheat code to these kinds of things, huh? [It is a rhetorical question on his part.] I've been taking my twin out on walks sometimes. [walkies for Donatello] Right now, we're both just in the apartment a lot. Maybe I can get him a plant or something, see about working on that with him. I'll ask him about it. Casey and I just… talked about basketball together, so, I know that's happening.

[steepwithdead]

That's a very good first start. I'm sure they both appreciate your company. [Take that twin for a walkie, teach the child sports, you do the thing.] Would you like to take a plant home with you? I've got plenty as it is.

[They're already kind of surrounded, and that's not even counting the garden on the roof, or in either yard. He's got gardens for days.]

[grabaslice]

[The offer definitely takes Leo by surprise. He blinks.] You sure-? I know plant people get really attached to what they've grown. You put a lot of love into all of these.