steepwithdead | Folkmore

[What the heck is this hippo oath you don't speak of, sir. Caduceus quirks his own brow in response.]

Casey gave his blessing to share whatever I see fit. He's very invested in helping you.

Well, as long as he's okay with me knowing. [He says uncertainly back, trying to understand if this is a good idea or not.]

Mmhm. [Caduceus isn't at all concerned about repercussions for this; Casey's been very forthcoming, and his permission was blanket. Since Leonardo's not indicated otherwise, he'll take the answer as a no.] It was at Rue's request. A trial hit us all especially hard, and he struggled in the aftermath. We explored the concept of "survivor's guilt". It's... a troublesome but not uncommon response to loss. The guilt of experiencing something as simple as living. To be the one alive, when you feel like someone else should be living in your place. It can come hand in hand with other thoughts and emotions, many not good.

[There's a lot of potential for bad moments. There's implications in his words, though for Casey's sake he won't explicitly explain.]

You died, but find yourself alive again, nearly alone in a brand new world. Have you been experiencing the same feelings?

[Caduceus so easily... just seeing through him just leaves Leonardo a little adrift. He opens his mouth, then closes it.]

I... [He needs a second.] That, would cover it, I think. I know I shouldn't be here, but I am.

Shouldn't be here, according to whom?

[His fate, maybe would be the obvious answer, but it's important to understand Leonardo's thinking on this.]

The fact I died at home, means I should have stayed dead. [He doesn't have a great counterargument for that.] The fact I'm here, I get to relax- it feels wrong.

Is it your belief that those who die shouldn't get another chance?

[His tone isn't judgmental, but a softer challenge.]

[His mind flits to Donnie at the question. He grimaces a little, shaking his head.] No, not... on certain cases. Second chances are a good thing.

Why is it that you're the exception?

A lot of better people, brighter, kinder, stronger people deserve a second chance more than I do. I'm just- [He struggles to actually articulate the thought, but it is one of those inside thoughts that he's never verbalized.] I'm just me. Nothing particularly special, even if I liked to crow about that kind of thing as a kid.

[Caduceus listens, looking thoughtful. It's a familiar train of thought, one that is never easy to hear- or to feel, personally.]

I suspect you're one of the few people who would think that about you. We are so often our worst critics. [They both know at least one person who thinks the absolute world of Leonardo.] However, it must be said, being "special" is not and will never be a requirement for getting another chance at life. Life isn't a thing you earn. It's a thing you give to those around you.

[Leonardo opens his mouth, a thought half formed before he lets it go. His teeth click together soundlessly as he just slouches in his seat.] That feels hard to believe, for me personally at least.

[He chews at his bottom lip for a moment.] Look, I... this feeling is essentially why I came in. During the chaos, these holes opened up in the ground. I fell in, but caught myself. I just got stuck in this line of thought of 'what if I just let go'. I was so tempted by the thought, I was just hanging there.

Then Casey found me and got scared. I never wanted him to see me like that.

It's a good conclusion to reach. Both in not wanting a repeat, and in recognizing the need to talk about it. That part's real important.

[Specifically with someone Not A Child, considering the topic, although their lives have involved enough collective death that it's only comparatively traumatizing to the rest, he suspects. Hits different when it's your family that dies. As someone who grew up around his own kind of death, with the elders of his family buried in the temple alongside the interned believers, he knows that well.]

When you asked yourself that question... "what if I just let go". Did your mind provide you with any sort of answer?

It would be easier if I could just lie to myself about it. [He says with a sigh, actively tired of the topic, but pushing through.]

Not... really? I just kept looping on it. Stuck on it.

[He laughs a little mirthlessly.] I keep thinking about how I died. That relief Casey was safe. How I didn't have to care about being alive anymore. Casey keeps thinking It's because I want to see the rest of our family. It's- it isn't that.

[Caduceus cants his head slightly at that, inquiring.]

What is it, then?

[He mulls the words over, just speaking simply.]

It would be nice to just not be. Just for a while, maybe forever. I don't know. [He shrugs a little helplessly.] Easier said than done. I need to... keep moving forward.

[Not an entirely unexpected answer, but still a sobering one, to be sure. Caduceus takes a long sip of tea, mulling through it. It is, admittedly, not a feeling he's familiar with. He's felt depression, loneliness, and a desperation that let him to do some... questionable things. But not that. He's seen it in others, though. Friends.]

Have you felt this before? In your own world, or ever?

Not until the war, I think. [It's hard to think beyond that, really. He doesn't connect to that teenager he once was.] But, there is- was always something to do. Someone needed me. There was a fight to win. People to talk to. I needed to keep moving.

Mm... a solid distraction to keep your thoughts in check. War can do that, for a time.

[Until it catches up with you.]

Now the fight for survival is with your own head. I'm sure you know: that isn't the path to peace. Regret can follow you even to the beyond.

Eventually war ends. I just thought I was done, too. [He doesn't regret being alive. He's just actively tired.]

You'd think death would be the actual end, but, nothing is ever that easy.

For most people, that is the case. Or at least, as far as we're aware of it. It wouldn't be as difficult if it was a known entity, a thing that happened to everyone. I think, at least.

[He's seen it a bit here, admittedly. Death is impermanent in this world. It leads to a more casual attitude about it, for some. When something is impermanent, it can become essentially meaningless. That is dangerous.]

There is hope, though. You're in the earliest days of this. It's difficult now, but there's so much potential for it to get easier. Like any wound, you need time and rest to heal. And a little help, of course.

I keep hearing a lot of that. Insistences it'll get better. The sentiment doesn't feel great.

I had to keep telling myself the same damn thing on loop during the war, so right now, it feels hard to believe. I'm not gonna say that to Casey or anyone else- I'm just... trying to believe again.

Have you considered that so many people saying it means there could be truth to it, but you've only just begun your journey so it feels insurmountable? Someone who has experienced as much as you have, for as long as you have, is going to have a much longer recovery period than most.

[Your kid was a hot mess on Day 1. (He is still a hot mess, he just has healthier coping mechanisms now.)]

[Someone wants to be perfectly well adjusted out the gate, and is not coping with his inability to handle the reality of things all that well.

He just drags a hand across his face, releasing a frustrated breath.]

Don't you go lobbing common sense at me. Criminal behavior. [He tries for a joke, even if it does not land.] I'd prefer if I could just pull it together now, and be alright. Prove to Casey at least he doesn't need to worry.

There was... another me here before, who failed to live, Casey found out about him and built a shrine. I'm not exactly disproving that as a possibility for me now.

[It lands well enough that Caduceus smiles, recognizing the attempt, and fills their teacups to keep mum while Leonardo continues.]

I wondered if he would tell you. [Wasn't going to ask, unless Casey wanted to share. But it's only fair to let Leonardo know he's aware of the situation.] It's why you're here, isn't it? You've seen the worst case scenario, and so has he. You being brought back to this world doesn't just magically erase what you, and the you of back then, are feeling. You want to keep him from worrying, which means you can't burden him with all of this, but you need an avenue or the past will be repeated. You're protecting your child.

[He raises his mug in salute.]

You're doing the right thing, for the right reasons. Give yourself the credit you're due.

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cw: suicidal ideation, PSTD, war trauma

Re: cw: suicidal ideation, PSTD, war trauma

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