steepwithdead | Folkmore

The fact I died at home, means I should have stayed dead. [He doesn't have a great counterargument for that.] The fact I'm here, I get to relax- it feels wrong.

Is it your belief that those who die shouldn't get another chance?

[His tone isn't judgmental, but a softer challenge.]

[His mind flits to Donnie at the question. He grimaces a little, shaking his head.] No, not... on certain cases. Second chances are a good thing.

Why is it that you're the exception?

A lot of better people, brighter, kinder, stronger people deserve a second chance more than I do. I'm just- [He struggles to actually articulate the thought, but it is one of those inside thoughts that he's never verbalized.] I'm just me. Nothing particularly special, even if I liked to crow about that kind of thing as a kid.

[Caduceus listens, looking thoughtful. It's a familiar train of thought, one that is never easy to hear- or to feel, personally.]

I suspect you're one of the few people who would think that about you. We are so often our worst critics. [They both know at least one person who thinks the absolute world of Leonardo.] However, it must be said, being "special" is not and will never be a requirement for getting another chance at life. Life isn't a thing you earn. It's a thing you give to those around you.

[Leonardo opens his mouth, a thought half formed before he lets it go. His teeth click together soundlessly as he just slouches in his seat.] That feels hard to believe, for me personally at least.

[He chews at his bottom lip for a moment.] Look, I... this feeling is essentially why I came in. During the chaos, these holes opened up in the ground. I fell in, but caught myself. I just got stuck in this line of thought of 'what if I just let go'. I was so tempted by the thought, I was just hanging there.

Then Casey found me and got scared. I never wanted him to see me like that.

It's a good conclusion to reach. Both in not wanting a repeat, and in recognizing the need to talk about it. That part's real important.

[Specifically with someone Not A Child, considering the topic, although their lives have involved enough collective death that it's only comparatively traumatizing to the rest, he suspects. Hits different when it's your family that dies. As someone who grew up around his own kind of death, with the elders of his family buried in the temple alongside the interned believers, he knows that well.]

When you asked yourself that question... "what if I just let go". Did your mind provide you with any sort of answer?

It would be easier if I could just lie to myself about it. [He says with a sigh, actively tired of the topic, but pushing through.]

Not... really? I just kept looping on it. Stuck on it.

[He laughs a little mirthlessly.] I keep thinking about how I died. That relief Casey was safe. How I didn't have to care about being alive anymore. Casey keeps thinking It's because I want to see the rest of our family. It's- it isn't that.

[Caduceus cants his head slightly at that, inquiring.]

What is it, then?

[He mulls the words over, just speaking simply.]

It would be nice to just not be. Just for a while, maybe forever. I don't know. [He shrugs a little helplessly.] Easier said than done. I need to... keep moving forward.

[Not an entirely unexpected answer, but still a sobering one, to be sure. Caduceus takes a long sip of tea, mulling through it. It is, admittedly, not a feeling he's familiar with. He's felt depression, loneliness, and a desperation that let him to do some... questionable things. But not that. He's seen it in others, though. Friends.]

Have you felt this before? In your own world, or ever?

Not until the war, I think. [It's hard to think beyond that, really. He doesn't connect to that teenager he once was.] But, there is- was always something to do. Someone needed me. There was a fight to win. People to talk to. I needed to keep moving.

Mm... a solid distraction to keep your thoughts in check. War can do that, for a time.

[Until it catches up with you.]

Now the fight for survival is with your own head. I'm sure you know: that isn't the path to peace. Regret can follow you even to the beyond.

Eventually war ends. I just thought I was done, too. [He doesn't regret being alive. He's just actively tired.]

You'd think death would be the actual end, but, nothing is ever that easy.

For most people, that is the case. Or at least, as far as we're aware of it. It wouldn't be as difficult if it was a known entity, a thing that happened to everyone. I think, at least.

[He's seen it a bit here, admittedly. Death is impermanent in this world. It leads to a more casual attitude about it, for some. When something is impermanent, it can become essentially meaningless. That is dangerous.]

There is hope, though. You're in the earliest days of this. It's difficult now, but there's so much potential for it to get easier. Like any wound, you need time and rest to heal. And a little help, of course.

I keep hearing a lot of that. Insistences it'll get better. The sentiment doesn't feel great.

I had to keep telling myself the same damn thing on loop during the war, so right now, it feels hard to believe. I'm not gonna say that to Casey or anyone else- I'm just... trying to believe again.

Have you considered that so many people saying it means there could be truth to it, but you've only just begun your journey so it feels insurmountable? Someone who has experienced as much as you have, for as long as you have, is going to have a much longer recovery period than most.

[Your kid was a hot mess on Day 1. (He is still a hot mess, he just has healthier coping mechanisms now.)]

[Someone wants to be perfectly well adjusted out the gate, and is not coping with his inability to handle the reality of things all that well.

He just drags a hand across his face, releasing a frustrated breath.]

Don't you go lobbing common sense at me. Criminal behavior. [He tries for a joke, even if it does not land.] I'd prefer if I could just pull it together now, and be alright. Prove to Casey at least he doesn't need to worry.

There was... another me here before, who failed to live, Casey found out about him and built a shrine. I'm not exactly disproving that as a possibility for me now.

[It lands well enough that Caduceus smiles, recognizing the attempt, and fills their teacups to keep mum while Leonardo continues.]

I wondered if he would tell you. [Wasn't going to ask, unless Casey wanted to share. But it's only fair to let Leonardo know he's aware of the situation.] It's why you're here, isn't it? You've seen the worst case scenario, and so has he. You being brought back to this world doesn't just magically erase what you, and the you of back then, are feeling. You want to keep him from worrying, which means you can't burden him with all of this, but you need an avenue or the past will be repeated. You're protecting your child.

[He raises his mug in salute.]

You're doing the right thing, for the right reasons. Give yourself the credit you're due.

[Leonardo's attention is at least waylaid by the tea. He reaches out to pick up his own teacup. He blows on the hot liquid, trying to give it a chance to cool. His grip is overly careful with his metal hand, wary of somehow breaking the teacup.

The salute earns a thin brief smile.]

I can guess he just didn't plan on telling me originally. Then this happened. We both had enough of a scare about my mortality that it had to come up. [If their positions were reversed, Leo would've tried to keep it away from Casey.]

Never feels like I'm doing enough, or even the right thing. He's frustrated by... how Dee and I are acting. I just, don't want to drop all of my problems onto him. I don't want to be like my father, and I don't want to make his life worse.

[Caduceus nods thoughtfully. He's not heard anything about the generation beyond the younger and the parental, but it makes sense that this sort of grief might otherwise be kept private. It's one thing to die, to know you died. It's another thing to know you died of despair and was mourned so explicitly, so directly, despite being here now.

That last comment gains his focus, however:]

What was your father like?

[He is just going to take a sip of his tea, half to gather his thoughts, and half to stall.

Even then, he seems to need a moment as he sets his cup back in place.]

Feels like a loaded question. [He muses with a little laugh, his gaze drifting away from Cad.] I feel like, you need context. We- he never planned on us. Draxum created us from his DNA to be rid of humans. His great weapons to relcaim the surface for yokai kind. [Even now, he remembers those stories. How Draxum behaved, and bickered with their father.] Pops took us away from him, raised us best he could. Taking on four kids at once... it's a lot.

[He fiddles with the fabric of his pants absently. Excuses come easily enough. A practiced gesture from the turtle.]

He loved us. He also wasn't sure what to do with us for a very long time. Even after the war started, he wasn't sure. We were only kids when it started- so- [He waves a hand, getting distracted.] Troubled, loving, trying his best.

Edited 2025-08-12 03:00 (UTC)

[Caduceus listens quietly, nodding along, even though some of it is lost on him (the heck is DNA?) he has heard a bit of the origin story, since he'd spent some time with Draxum himself. The specific troubles of the earlier generation isn't something Casey has gotten into (or maybe isn't aware of, Caduceus couldn't say) so it's new. Very important context, indeed.]

"Troubled, loving, trying their best" is I think the default position for many parents. It's the success rate that varies. [He's not a parent, likely never will be, he's simply observed many over the years. Including his own.] I'm of the belief that love is the most important part, but it isn't enough. What aspects of him, and his parenting, are you hoping to avoid?

[He snorts a little at Caduceus' sentiment, a touch of amusement easing some of the heaviness of the topic for him.] Okay, that is fair, I just- don't want to be negative about him? I miss him. I love him, I know- Donnie and I have... very different opinions on him. [There have been arguments, Leo won't get into it.]

After we became teenagers, he... withdrew I guess? Let us figure our own things out as a group of teens. We were always trying to get dad's attention or time as kids. I remember being Casey's age and being so desperate to spend time with him. Raph was in charge and took care of us, made sure we didn't keel over or starve. Dad was in his own world.

I don't want Casey to feel like I'm... some distant figure he can't reach. I don't want my own problems clouding my thoughts or judgement that I don't see him anymore.

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cw: suicidal ideation, PSTD, war trauma

Re: cw: suicidal ideation, PSTD, war trauma

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