steepwithdead | Folkmore

[The message arrives in the early morning hours:]

What do you think about Thirteen's "reach your potential" bullshit

Sry
Didnt look at the time. Trying to keep from running off

My girlfriends gone
our girlfriend
my boy
friends i guess he is

sorry ignore this

[....

no, he doesn't think he will.]

I've always found the "potential" goal as suspiciously vague. Who is to say how that potential is defined? Who makes that call? Some people come and go in a matter of days, without any discernible changes. Others are in this world for years, learning, growing, sharing of themselves, and persist. Asking answers, demanding answers, she gives us nothing but fog. Whether one cooperates with a trial or not has little effect.

Yeah, it's bullshit.

[CADUCEUS?? THE NAUGHTY WORD?? Surprise, he gets a little miffed when people are needlessly hurt.]

I'm sorry for your loss.

[...pretty sure he's never heard this dude swear even once. Is it weird that hearing it now is more comfort than the obvious sympathy?]

Ive been drinking a lot lately

Can't wreck my liver
Or get all that drunk anyway

But should I stop

[Over here resisting the urge to judge immediately. He has no fond thoughts for an excess of drinking; he's witnessed and somehow lived through the consequences. But he understands the urge, and what sort of turmoil fuels it. Where some turn to drink, others turn to... different substances.]

I confess, I've never been drunk. Never been much of a drinker, either. What purpose does it serve you, when you drink? How do you feel during, and after?

i dunno it just seemed like what you do. i only ever get a little buzzed unless i get special shit from home and that stuff really messes me up usually in a bad way

But then at least I'm not me for a little while

Why do you phrase that as if it's a good thing? To not be yourself.

because it IS a good thing

What is different about you when you're drunk?

[The next reply takes much longer than the others, nearly an hour.]

I dont know
Im just less me

I know im not supposed to hate myself
I know its bad
and that other people love me and if i hate myself its like I think theyre wrong or stupid

but I cant help ti
and when I can mess myself up even a little
make my mind less
here
or me
without making it so I hurt someone else

then its like I can have the best of both
I can have the people I around that I care about but I dont have to be someone I hate

[WAITED, FELL THE FUCK BACK ASLEE- oh, there he is.]

In that case, yes, you should stop drinking. Or at least work your way towards stopping drinking in excess.

Whether or not you're supposed to hate yourself doesn't stop you from doing it, I get that. "Supposed to" doesn't stop anyone from doing anything. An easy way of doing things stagnates the difficult growth. Habits that become harmful end up as addictions. Addictions become chains that will, over time, make you hate yourself more, not less. They are the slow death of love, one glass at a time.

[yeah he was kind of hoping that would happen sir and then cloud could come back to this in the morning and go haha sorry that was me sleep texting everything's fine

alas]

But
What do I do then

[Because what Cad's saying sounds so smart. It sounds like it should make so much sense, and it does, in an abstract way. In a way that Cloud just can't see applying to himself, not when he has no idea what to do about how he feels. If he can't throw engine degreaser down his throat and he can't storm into the nearest school and try to kill Thirteen until he manages it, what can he do?]

Confront the hate.
You say you can't help it, feeling what you feel, but that's defeatist. Not because its existence implies those you love could be wrong about you, but because you know in your heart its existence is wrong. Drinking's hiding from the truth, which is: your hate's a fight you think is too hard to win. Kicking the can down the road. Stop that. It belongs in the trash. The real fight is learning how to make yourself pick it up.

What do you hate about yourself?

I don't know

I don't think
I wanna talk about this

I can't force you, of course. It's up to you to take that step. It'll chase you, though. Better to face it than let it stab you in the back every day.

[Sorry Cad, you get the 'read' treatment. It's not malicious but Cloud-

Yeah.

Next session, he doesn't even bring it up. And if Cad doesn't either, well, all the better for him to avoid looking into that dark, dark place that he's been far too many times in a life as short as his.]

[WAITED AGAIN
FELL BACK ASLEEP

yeah this one's going in your file, buddy. Big mental red circles, though he won't force it as he said. He's keeping an eye out.]

Folkmore | IC Contact

text; un: cloud s.

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