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[wow he really put it all out there, huh.

Well, it's not a bad thing. Better said than not, otherwise how can he do anything?]

You're not broken. There is nothing broken about being different. If you are unhappy with these aspects of yourself and want to change, you can work on it. But if you have no desire to pursue them or change, and others think there's something wrong with you for it, the problem is with them, not you.

Change for yourself, or stay as you are for yourself. What's important is that you're true.

so how do you change all that? i want to be interested... but something is wrong with me.

[He knows it in his gut, something is wrong with him, something isn't right here, but he can't put his finger on what.]

[Mmmmmmm really does not like how he keeps phrasing that, low-key offended, but sure, he can roll with it. Doesn't feel intentional, at least.]

Is this the way you've always felt, or can you recall a time where you might have felt differently? About any of what you mentioned.

[It's definitely not intentional at all. And not even really about being asexual. There's brainwashing involved and it's a whole mess, especially when he is already on the ace spectrum, but not asexual specifically.

But he gives the question honest thought.]

i should clarify something... the concept of sexual(???) preferences is kind of new to me? i think some humans had sex for fun, but it was mostly for breeding purposes and highly monitored. so when it comes to sex, i knew i wouldn't ever get bred so i didn't concern myself with it.

i've felt that way about everything until now though... except kissing? i feel like it, it's fuzzy like i can't... like it's not mine but, i think... maybe? it's all muddled

Edited 2025-02-18 15:53 (UTC)

[Monitored... breeding... oh dear. That's a whole extra layer.]

It sounds like you've come from a very difficult place. That makes it all the more important that you take it slow and examine your feelings about such things. You don't have to rush or do anything before you're ready- or ever, if that's what you choose.

Again, this does not make you broken, or wrong. You are you. No one can decide otherwise.

slow, okay... yeah. i can try, but honestly, not sure i know the meaning of that. i'm kind of used to diving in head first and seeing what fucking falls into place.

okay. okay yeah. like i know it's not something that makes people wrong or broken, just that... like i never felt that way before just... i do now and that's the confusing part? maybe because this is all so new and wild to me.

thanks cad.

You're welcome.

Remember the deep-breathing thing? Try that, but in conversation. Before you can leap or lash out, count off a few seconds. See if your thoughts change when your heart is not beating so quickly.

Perhaps it isn't that you never felt it before, but that you had not met the right person to create such feelings within you. Some people can love and be attracted in a single glance or heartbeat. Some people go their whole lives without feeling that at all. Others meet the right person only once in a lifetime. We are all very different; love and attraction is a deeply personal thing.

yeah okay that makes sense. i'll try. used to my emotions kind of leading me, but i suppose i should rein them in more.

oh... that makes sense. i mean... all of this is really new to me. love, attraction, people talking about it. like i think i love people but... defining it is really new to me? especially the idea of there being different kinds? it just never mattered because we were all gonna die anyway and even if we didn't our guardians would pick who we bred with. i'm unsure if i just wasn't before or if i was resigned that it didn't matter.

oh well, thanks.

There's nothing wrong with following your emotions. The point of stopping to breathe is to let those emotions settle from impulse into action. Would you say something differently at once versus if you gave yourself a moment to process? What you feel can be the same, but how you express it can change. Thinking it through is a kindness to yourself as much as the person you're speaking with.

Love exists in many forms. Despite our circumstances, I think this place could be a fresh start for you, a chance to feel something other than that forced obligation. We are still pets here, but they've done nothing to control how we feel.

fuck. that's really deep and makes a lot of sense. okay, i'll try to stop and think before i speak... when i can remember to.

true. they're the most lenient guardians i've ever seen, usually they would ask something of us by now or make their intentions known. i don't know it all seems really strange but it's nice to have a small taste of freedom.

It takes practice! Don't be too hard on yourself if you can't pull it off every time. It's important to apologize if you yell at someone without good cause, too.

Pardon me for prying. Were you a captive for your whole life?

yeah... okay cool. i'm not good at that either, but i'll do my best.

oh naw you can ask. i think that's a word for it. caelus called it slavery? humans where i'm from are pets to these fuckers called segyein. so yeah, i've known nothing else before here and this a lot more freedom than i ever knew.

[Which says a lot since they are still captive pets here too]

Edited 2025-03-19 20:56 (UTC)

I believe in your ability to try.

[And really, who could ask for more.]

I see. This world must feel strange, then. A taste of almost freedom, but still not enough to be fair for you. I wish that was not the hand you were dealt.

it's fine. i mean not fine, but that's the life i lived so not much to do for it

what fucks with my head is how big the sky is. how do people deal with it?

I hope you can enjoy a good life going forward, then.

I imagine most people don't think very much about its size. The sky has always been there, and it has always been that big. It's easy to take for granted what you've never gone without.

that'd be nice yeah.

i've only experienced a handful of times before coming here. it's just a lot.

You may find it gets easier over time, the more you spend beneath it. Just don't stare at the sun. And wear a hat.

hats ugh

fine.

[lol, lmao.]

Yeah, you'll do fine. Take care, Till.

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cw: mention of mind alteration, dehumanization & human slavery (pets) also NSFW again

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cw: dehumanization & human slavery (pets)

Re: cw: dehumanization & human slavery (pets)

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